from Grey's Anatomy

"Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away. There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance."

hands tied behind my back for nothing

It's all happening. All of these things that I've waited for so long to happen, they are finally coming true. I mean, my mom always told me that being patient will pay off, but I never really believed her. My life is happening. And I really can't be more excited.
I can't believe it's happening. Things can work out. And I can't believe that I have been blessed with parents this amazing! And these people are all standing behind me. I never in my entire life thought that I would be this lucky. I am still in shock. I can't believe it. This is going to be incredible. And I can't believe that it's happening to me.
I've held myself back for a while. I wouldn't let myself go. I wouldn't push myself out there like this. And now, there's nothing holding me back. I can go if I want to. And I have faith that this is all going to work out for the best. I cannot believe it's working out.
I used to believe in Fight Club. I used to believe that "it's not until we've lost everything, that we're free to do anything." To get this, I didn't have to lose anything at all. I just had to be patient, and wait for my turn. My turn is here, and I can't freeking believe it.

screaming to the stars just to feel alive

It's weird to know that your friends are talking about you, even when they don't. Weird to feel that random topic break into the conversation and head straight for your heart. It's almost surreal. But it took me back. Back to my bedroom: sitting on the carpet, at the foot of my bed. Trying to be calm. It wasn't that long ago; and yet it feels like an eternity. All I was looking for was someone who would listen. Someone who would understand even though I hadn't said anything. And like that, five years later, those people are here. They make it easier.
Easier to the point that I know who I can call at two in the morning. For some reason, the idea of him seemed logical. He would know what was happening in my head. And he did. We talked about my loneliness, how I had been surrounded by people and had no idea what to say. How I'm lucky to have so many people, and how he believes I just might be too scared to turn to them. Scared and embarrassed. Embarrassed because turning to someone means that I'm not as put together as I try to be. And talking to him made me know that it's okay. Support like that, it's what gets you through long dives back to your apartment. It's that unconscious love that makes it easier to breathe, and that gets you to tomorrow.

it won't be like this for long

I have something to say, and I really don't know how to say it. I think that it has to do with time; it's been on my mind a lot lately. Probably due to the fact that this is the beginning of my last year. It made me think yesterday that this is also, probably, my last year at State. What happens when I graduate from here? Do I have enough time to do everything that I want to? And when I'm done, will I think that I spent my time doing everything that I wanted to? One of my professors said today: "In college it's not who you are, or what you say, but what you do with your time while you're here." Am I spending it right? I've taken a step back from things, and I've tried to sort through them. I think I know what I think. And I hope that that's enough.

Time passing seems to be one of the things that I can depend on. I feel like it's just ticking away. Slowly but surely. Surely and definitely. But what if definitely wasn't definite? I know that that may make no sense to you, but if I could I would slow this time down completely. I would take back certain things; try to change them if I could. And I know that when someone questions my character, if I could do it again, I would stand up for myself. Tell you that I'm not the kind of girl who acts just to make a scene. And if you think that I am, then you don't know me half as well as you think you do.
But there's no going back in time. There is only forward. One step at a time. A minute which turns into an hour. Hours into days, and then the rest of our lives. Where is my life taking me? I feel as though I've caused myself into a rut, if you will. You spend a while thinking about one particular thing, hoping for it to happen. The next thing you know, time has passed you by. I'm done with wasting my time.
I want to be that girl again; the one that let things come naturally. The one that could sit back and wait to see what life threw at her. But let's just be honest, when have I ever completely been that girl? I like to plan things, to work them in my favor, and in a way that I believe will benefit those around me. But I shouldn't have to work this hard. Not for something like this.

And this is why I'm happy that time is passing. I have the option to stay here. I can do that, and I am lucky enough to have parents that will support that decision with no questions asked. But I am growing up, I am changing. And as time goes by I wonder if this is really the place for me. Where do I fit? And how do I get there, once I've figured that out?