"The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can."
I've held on to this for almost seven years. I don't know how to let this go. Where do you even begin? Everyone else, they're fine. They've dealt with it, and they've learned how to grow beyond it. It's not that they don't think about her, I know they do; they bring her up in conversation now. They've learned how to use this as part of their growth in life, and it's become a stepping stool for greater things. Greater things for other people. There are times when I know that a certain moment can mean something. I know that there are lessons I can take away from situations, and I swear that I try to. But I feel as thought there is this block. I'm not blaming that on anyone but myself, yet it's hard for me to try and find a way around it. That moment... that cloudy, dismal Saturday morning... that's when I lost my childhood. Things happen in high school, people begin to grow up and change, and that is what is supposed to happen. They grow out of their childhood. To this day, I can't help but feel as though I as banished from it. Pushed out of the nest before I could even conceive the concept of flying.
I'm a stubborn person. I don't ask for help easily, if at all. And when people do give me advice I tend to shine it on, and act like I know best. It's not that I want to forget her, I really don't. But my dad made it very clear. It's time. Mom can't bear to see me dwell like this anymore, and Dad doesn't blame me for anything. So I guess I'm just asking for help; advice that I refuse to shrug off. How do you move on from something like this? How do you accept the fact that no one blames you? They don't care that you're the reason that they couldn't say goodbye. She wouldn't mind that you weren't there. Lauren has constantly told me that she wouldn't have wanted us to see her like that. She's want us to remember her in better days. All I seem to remember is the look on Dad's face when he walked into the kitchen. Seeing his lower lip tremble, and immediately knowing what happened. There were no words for me. Immediately I knew what I had done wrong. I was the reason we didn't see her. I am the reason that Dad did not have the chance to say goodbye to his only sister. It's my fault that that didn't happen, and for the life of me I can't figure out how to find that forgiveness that I've been looking for. So how do I do it? How do you move past grief? When you know it's time, and your father has admitted that he doesn't blame you for anything... How do you move on from that? How do you apologize to someone you can't talk to, and then live your life for them, rather than in the shadow of your grief? How?
