punched at every corner, arms securely bound

I hate to tie. For as long as I can remember, I've hated the feeling of being 'just as good' as someone else. To be honest about it, I really like winning. There's a type of high that comes with knowing you're the best. It may sound smug, or pretentious, but it's the truth. I don't like losing, but I'll take it over tying any day. Its definitive, it's clear, and there are no questions about it. Maybe that's what I hate about tying: you never really know where you do stand. If the ball had just bounced a different way, if we just had more people to help with the banner... there are way too many ifs in that sentence. It's like you're in limbo, and I really hate that.
Tying is frustrating. Mostly because you know that you could have had so much more. Should have thought just one second faster, could have moved one inch to the right, would have stopped him from getting around me. Shoulda. Coulda. Woulda. Ties leave me with too many thoughts in my head, especially when someone forces me to tie. It's like running, repeatedly, into a brick wall. Somehow bouncing back, and taking a running leap at it again. The hopeful child in me thinks that I could break that wall down, knows that I should be able to. It's not that easy when what you want is on the other side, helping the wall to keep it's stance. Maybe that is the most frustrating aspect. Knowing that you're trying, trying as hard as you can conceive... and you don't get anywhere. Sure, there are moments when I can make it around the wall for a little bit. I sneak past, and if I'm lucky I can feel like I'm taking the lead. But the second I step foot outside that door, the wall comes back down and I am once again tied. It's hard when the one thing you want won't let you take the lead. What's a hundred miles? Really, it's nothing. Not even an inch on any standard map. A hundred miles is nothing, and sometimes it means so much. The difference between winning and tying; the difference between home and limbo, between love and lonliness. I'd rather know. I really don't want to force a decision in a situation like this, because I know I would come up empty. But empty is something I can deal with. Empty handed is something I can figure out, and it's something that I can learn from. But for you, and for you alone, I will keep throwing myself at that wall. I'll keep tying, and hope that one of these days I can pull ahead.
Losing is better than tying. It hurts more and there are many more emotions involved, but it's clear. When I lose I know where I stand. I am silent, I collect all these broken thoughts, and I try to put it back together. Usually it works, sometimes it doesn't. Like the other day, when one of my best friends was so sorry. It wasn't her fault, and I tried to rationalize that there was just someone better. There were at least six better than I would have been. And that is alright. If I keep telling myself that, I'll believe it right? I am not mad. I'm not frustrated with this loss, or even happy in it. This has just left me feeling empty. I don't really know where my next step should be. Shuffle right? Straight forward? Steps back, even? I think that back is where I have been going. Retreating into what I think I know. I think that I know certain things about myself. But this loss, it threw me for a loop. I'm not sure how to feel, and because of that I just end up feeling rejected. Maybe I shouldn't have taken it so literally. Maybe I shouldn't have put too much of myself into it. That way, when I was rejected, I wouldn't feel so personal about it. I wouldn't feel like it was me they didn't like, only my ideas. I just wanted to help. I just wanted to do something that I could honestly say wasn't about me. I have faith in what happend, I mean I really don't have any other choice. But how do I shake this feeling of rejection? And why can't I stop asking myself 'When will I be good enough?'

guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all

"The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can."

I've held on to this for almost seven years. I don't know how to let this go. Where do you even begin? Everyone else, they're fine. They've dealt with it, and they've learned how to grow beyond it. It's not that they don't think about her, I know they do; they bring her up in conversation now. They've learned how to use this as part of their growth in life, and it's become a stepping stool for greater things. Greater things for other people. There are times when I know that a certain moment can mean something. I know that there are lessons I can take away from situations, and I swear that I try to. But I feel as thought there is this block. I'm not blaming that on anyone but myself, yet it's hard for me to try and find a way around it. That moment... that cloudy, dismal Saturday morning... that's when I lost my childhood. Things happen in high school, people begin to grow up and change, and that is what is supposed to happen. They grow out of their childhood. To this day, I can't help but feel as though I as banished from it. Pushed out of the nest before I could even conceive the concept of flying.

I'm a stubborn person. I don't ask for help easily, if at all. And when people do give me advice I tend to shine it on, and act like I know best. It's not that I want to forget her, I really don't. But my dad made it very clear. It's time. Mom can't bear to see me dwell like this anymore, and Dad doesn't blame me for anything. So I guess I'm just asking for help; advice that I refuse to shrug off. How do you move on from something like this? How do you accept the fact that no one blames you? They don't care that you're the reason that they couldn't say goodbye. She wouldn't mind that you weren't there. Lauren has constantly told me that she wouldn't have wanted us to see her like that. She's want us to remember her in better days. All I seem to remember is the look on Dad's face when he walked into the kitchen. Seeing his lower lip tremble, and immediately knowing what happened. There were no words for me. Immediately I knew what I had done wrong. I was the reason we didn't see her. I am the reason that Dad did not have the chance to say goodbye to his only sister. It's my fault that that didn't happen, and for the life of me I can't figure out how to find that forgiveness that I've been looking for. So how do I do it? How do you move past grief? When you know it's time, and your father has admitted that he doesn't blame you for anything... How do you move on from that? How do you apologize to someone you can't talk to, and then live your life for them, rather than in the shadow of your grief? How?

from Grey's Anatomy

"Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away. There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance."

hands tied behind my back for nothing

It's all happening. All of these things that I've waited for so long to happen, they are finally coming true. I mean, my mom always told me that being patient will pay off, but I never really believed her. My life is happening. And I really can't be more excited.
I can't believe it's happening. Things can work out. And I can't believe that I have been blessed with parents this amazing! And these people are all standing behind me. I never in my entire life thought that I would be this lucky. I am still in shock. I can't believe it. This is going to be incredible. And I can't believe that it's happening to me.
I've held myself back for a while. I wouldn't let myself go. I wouldn't push myself out there like this. And now, there's nothing holding me back. I can go if I want to. And I have faith that this is all going to work out for the best. I cannot believe it's working out.
I used to believe in Fight Club. I used to believe that "it's not until we've lost everything, that we're free to do anything." To get this, I didn't have to lose anything at all. I just had to be patient, and wait for my turn. My turn is here, and I can't freeking believe it.

screaming to the stars just to feel alive

It's weird to know that your friends are talking about you, even when they don't. Weird to feel that random topic break into the conversation and head straight for your heart. It's almost surreal. But it took me back. Back to my bedroom: sitting on the carpet, at the foot of my bed. Trying to be calm. It wasn't that long ago; and yet it feels like an eternity. All I was looking for was someone who would listen. Someone who would understand even though I hadn't said anything. And like that, five years later, those people are here. They make it easier.
Easier to the point that I know who I can call at two in the morning. For some reason, the idea of him seemed logical. He would know what was happening in my head. And he did. We talked about my loneliness, how I had been surrounded by people and had no idea what to say. How I'm lucky to have so many people, and how he believes I just might be too scared to turn to them. Scared and embarrassed. Embarrassed because turning to someone means that I'm not as put together as I try to be. And talking to him made me know that it's okay. Support like that, it's what gets you through long dives back to your apartment. It's that unconscious love that makes it easier to breathe, and that gets you to tomorrow.

it won't be like this for long

I have something to say, and I really don't know how to say it. I think that it has to do with time; it's been on my mind a lot lately. Probably due to the fact that this is the beginning of my last year. It made me think yesterday that this is also, probably, my last year at State. What happens when I graduate from here? Do I have enough time to do everything that I want to? And when I'm done, will I think that I spent my time doing everything that I wanted to? One of my professors said today: "In college it's not who you are, or what you say, but what you do with your time while you're here." Am I spending it right? I've taken a step back from things, and I've tried to sort through them. I think I know what I think. And I hope that that's enough.

Time passing seems to be one of the things that I can depend on. I feel like it's just ticking away. Slowly but surely. Surely and definitely. But what if definitely wasn't definite? I know that that may make no sense to you, but if I could I would slow this time down completely. I would take back certain things; try to change them if I could. And I know that when someone questions my character, if I could do it again, I would stand up for myself. Tell you that I'm not the kind of girl who acts just to make a scene. And if you think that I am, then you don't know me half as well as you think you do.
But there's no going back in time. There is only forward. One step at a time. A minute which turns into an hour. Hours into days, and then the rest of our lives. Where is my life taking me? I feel as though I've caused myself into a rut, if you will. You spend a while thinking about one particular thing, hoping for it to happen. The next thing you know, time has passed you by. I'm done with wasting my time.
I want to be that girl again; the one that let things come naturally. The one that could sit back and wait to see what life threw at her. But let's just be honest, when have I ever completely been that girl? I like to plan things, to work them in my favor, and in a way that I believe will benefit those around me. But I shouldn't have to work this hard. Not for something like this.

And this is why I'm happy that time is passing. I have the option to stay here. I can do that, and I am lucky enough to have parents that will support that decision with no questions asked. But I am growing up, I am changing. And as time goes by I wonder if this is really the place for me. Where do I fit? And how do I get there, once I've figured that out?

I hope it's gonna make you notice

All I needed was one shooting star. One fleck of dust to pass through the atmosphere and light up the night sky. Who knew flecks of dust could be so beautiful? Who knew that trying to find them could be so fun: laying in the grass of a random park in Santee, leaving a trail of Blue Moon throughout that city, running from sprinklers with two of the people who mean the most to you? It was one of those moments. I stopped at the edge of that dimly lit park to look back at my friends and smile. It was something right out of a movie. But it was life; it was my life. It was one of those moments that you never expect to happen and when it does, well, you can't really believe it.

It's like that night that you finally got the courage to kiss the boy you'd had a crush on since you can't remember when. It makes your giggle to this day. Seeing the dare in your best friend's eyes as you almost caused an accident making a u-turn. Seeing him stop in the middle of that deserted street as you called his name. And feeling his arms reach for one last kiss as you whispered goodnight on his lips. But what it was mostly like was your car rounding that corner, and simultaneously yelling out with excitement with the world's best friend.

I feel like I've been complaining for a while. Things get bad for everyone, not just myself. But when I look back on certain instances like this, I get it now. I'm a lucky kid. I've had these moments that I've been wishing for, I've just been cavalier enough to forget about them. It's on a daily basis that I forget to see all of the amazing things that I am blessed with. And knowing that I've consistently done that makes me feel like a huge jerk.

There have been shooting stars that have passed through my life. And for that I am thankful. These shooting stars help me realize just how lucky I am. Like my best friend. She constantly stands up for me, constantly loves me, even when she knows I'm wrong. In the middle of a panic attack, I know that she's only a phone call away. Like Ken, who reminds me of my dad. Always trying to help other people, and thinking of their needs before his own. He still answers the phone, is still my friend, even when I know that his friendship is too good for me. Like my family, whose love can be more so described as a fireball as opposed to a shooting star. Always in my face, always asking questions, but because they love. That is the greatest gift that I've ever been given. The love of these people. The shooting stars that strike through my life when it is black as night. There are more shooting stars than this in my life. The people that bring the little joys to my life. Sometimes I can't see them because the moon is shining too bright, but I know you're there.

You see Bobby? Love to me is like a shooting star. They're always there. There are some times when it is easier to see than others, and there are moments that this love is just a tiny thing- a small fleck of dust- that ignites when it combines with something else. There will always be shooting stars, just like there will always be love. What we all need to do is lay back in the grass, and give your eyes a little bit to adjust. People may see shooting stars before you do, but if you're patient and you take a deep breath, they will come to you. And in the end, we'll all know the excitement that comes when our night sky lights up.

"They're shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, fleeting glimpse of eternity..." --Walt Whitman

let's light up the town, scream out loud

There are often moments in my life that I am struck by certain feelings. These instances are mostly random, and they seem to hit me when I'm least expecting it. Does anyone else have these moments? It's not just me... right? These feelings that I'm talking about, they usually hit me when I'm trying to plan out the next stage of my life. I mostly find them on the road between San Diego and home. Between home, and home. It's hard to describe without sounding rather and completely awkward. The feelings that hit me are mostly just a realization that this is life. You can plan all you want, but this is real life, and curve balls are going to come at you.

Even now, that sounds completely awkward. I can't force these feelings to come, and no matter how hard I try I can't recreate them in myself right now. Random, right? They're not feelings that come from thinking that maybe all this is a dream. It's more like I've been walking around, seeing all this in movie form. And then, suddenly, it hits me. This is real life, and it had repercussions. Those that I've lost will not be here to take a final bow with me as the credits roll, and when people are hurt their feelings are real. See? I told you it was awkward. Most of the time, it doesn't even make sense to me.

However, there are certain things that I am sure of. If my life were a movie, it would have the best soundtrack. My life stars the greatest cast that I would ever care to know. I think that my life would be categorized under 'romantic comedy': sometimes that romance is hard to come by, but the comedy is always there. And when they combine, it tends to be a thing of beauty. If my life were a movie, and I could fast forward to the end, I'd hope to see a happy ending. The hopeless romantic in me wants to ride off into the sunset with the boy. But the free thinker in me knows that I want my own horse. And the independent spirit that I am knows that that particular ending won't come for a while.

So while I'm living my life, my very own life, I've decided to make certain decisions about the way in which I live. I will live for me, and make the decisions that I deem best. Yes, opinions are always welcome, but to be honest I don't know if I'll take them.

I have this bracelet that my sister and I bought from Disneyland. On it, mine says "I wish to live happily ever after." It's a simple wish, really. Just to be happy, and have that at the end of my days. But there's the in between part that gets a little tricky. They say you're not supposed to tell what you wish for; that if you throw a penny into a wishing well, it won't come true if you tell people what you wish for. I believe that my wish requires some effort on my part. I believe that any wish needs some effort to be put into it. So here it is: the person that I am, the little girl who always wanted to have her wishes come true the moment she thought of them, wished for patience. Patience to let things develop on their own time. Patience so that she can relax and just let things happen. Patience so that she could understand that things will happen, life will throw curve balls at you, and in the end to understand that this is real life. And in this life, things happen for a reason. So here's to patience, so that I can understand that while life not be perfect, in the end, it will be worth it.

you can't fence that in....

There's something about my family. They are the thing that I was missing in my life, and I see that now. I am not cut out for being away from them for long periods of time. No matter how much I say that I love my space, there is always something that draws me back to them and to the comfort of their love. It's a certain kind of love; very assured of it's place and how we convey it to each other. These are the ones who can say something that I don't want to hear, and I believe them because I know they are saying the things that I don't even want to think.

That love is the reason why I could sit at that wedding tonight, and believe Laura when she told me that I didn't have to put up with bullshit from any boy. "No matter how long you loved him for, that will never give him the excuse to play around with your heart." The words that I didn't want to think, laid out right in front of me. If messing around with me was going to be the way for you to heal your broken heart, I would have let you. But she saw right through you. One of the most honest women in my life, one of my role models, looked me in the eye and gave me the courage that she hoped I could have.

It's love like that, that fills the holes in my life and makes me reach for something more. The way in which she looked at me, and told me the one thing that no one else in my family would say. It's this kind of love and support that I have been looking for. The kind that will smack me across the back of my head and make more sense than anything else in the world. And it's that kind of love that only the closest people in my life can give to me. Others, they don't know how to convey it. But these people, the ones I am bound to by so much more than blood, they know me; they understand. Understand, and help me to stand when I feel like I can't on my own. They are the constant in my life, and though there have been some that have left us, I know that their love is what is constant. Constant, and unwavering. And even though I make decisions sometimes that they might not be too sure of, they are always there to hold my hand and give me courage when I can't find it myself. And it is that kind of love that keeps me assured. It is that kind of love that holds me to this place, and it is their faith that makes me sure of the decisions I am making. And while I might not be making any sense whatsoever, I know that they don't care. They are here to help me make sense of it all. And honestly, I'd want nothing else till I die.

"In life, as in baseball, it is the number of times you reach home safely that counts."

when you're fifteen

I can't remember the way her voice sounded when she said my name. I can't remember her laugh. I can't remember the last time I saw her laugh.

Uncle Joe called me kid. He would hug me from the side, and his voice was loud enough that it could fill the entire room with warmth. He was sturdy, and solid, and hard. But comforting, and protective. He was tall, and no matter how old I was I sill barely reached his shoulder. It's his laugh that I remember the most. He loved to laugh; no matter the time, place, or occasion, he was always making jokes or telling stories.

Uncle Vinnie called me toes. I think that's cause Patti did too. He would 'shark-attack' me in Uncle Jon's pool and tell me that each toe had a different flavor, and as I laughed he would nibble them and list them off. Uncle Vinnie was the first person to teach me to like mushrooms, and as I watched him create lunch in my Uncle's kitchen that I first learned that cooking was also an art.

But she was different. It was so long ago, and I was just a child then. It didn't occur to me that I should make an effort to remember these things. And now, sitting here, I can't remember the way my name sounded when you called me. You did thousands upon thousands of times; from the day I was born, until I was fifteen. And I just never knew. I never thought. I always had hope. Always thought just maybe it would go away. Maybe you'd be lucky enough to beat it. But here it sit almost seven years later, and I can't remember your laugh. I can't remember the way your voice sounded when you said my name. And I swear to God, I wish I could.

gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have

When I was younger, I was capable of living my life with this sort of reckless abandon. Enough respect for authority to know what the rules were, but enough rebellion in me to think that they didn't really apply to myself or my friends. Enough courtesy to never overstep my bounds too much, but enough confidence to be able to walk into a room and simply own it. There's no other way to explain it. We came from a small town and the way we saw it we could get away with a lot.

There's a certain sort of confidence that comes with being with the same people day in and day out. We had the right connections, knew where to go to stay out of trouble, and who to call when we were looking for just enough. Those were the days that I used to smirk. In all honesty I had it made. I used to smirk, and when we were all together, I'll admit: I used to strut... we all did. Those days were filled with sun-kissed shoulders, awkward soccer tans, and laughter that you could hear from halfway down the beach.

No matter how hard we tried days like those couldn't last forever, but those girls will always hold an amazing place in my heart. I think when we began to drift apart they all took a little piece of me with them. Some swagger here, a little strut there; piece by piece my confidence gone. What's left now of me is this person who is trying to hold on to what I have left. I'm not trying to make you think that I have no confidence in myself. On the contrary, I happen to think that at times I can be quite capable. What it takes for me, however, is just a little time, to muster some courage.

So today, when two of my best friends told me that I needed to do something, it took me by surprise. I haven't the confidence that I once carried in myself. Where did it go? Did I leave it back home with my friends for safe keeping? I always seem to find it when we make our way back to each other, but down here in San Diego, I need some time. It has been almost four years since I've put myself out there for something that I have really wanted. Being afraid is part of life. I understand this. But what I want most from my life, is to able to live with that reckless abandon again. Wild at heart. Yet responsible this time around.

"Be reckless enough to gamble all or nothing on following your dreams."

Just give me a little time to build up the courage.

don't you know it's gonna be alright

Everyone keeps saying that it's going to be all right. Everything will work itself out in the end. I need to believe that that. I need to understand that, and have a little faith in the fact the sometimes I don't know what is best. I don't. I need people t guide me, and luckily I have the best friends ad family in the world for that. I made a huge mistake, and I realize that. Sitting here torturing myself about it isn't going to make anything better. Nothing is going to change while I'm sitting here driving myself insane. I can't change everything in the world. I can't always have what I want, no matter how badly I desire it. This is something I need to understand. Until I figure that, I will put the Beatles on shuffle, and let that drown my worries out.

Today was filled with mixed emotions. There were some trials, and a letdown here or there. I came back to my apartment feeling really downtrodden- wanting to crawl in to bed, and not come out until Saturday rolled around. But then, just like that, it all changed. Lindsay had a c-section today. And just like that, I have another baby cousin.

It was upon hearing this news that my mood shifted. No matter how sad I was feeling, or how badly I wanted to throw a pity party fr myself, I couldn't help but smile. This little, beautiful life was brought into the world today. She is something pure, and full of all the hope of the world. She has every opportunity at her tiny fingertips. And it is this fact that made me realize: no matter how I may be feeling, there is always going to be something to make me smile. My family, my friends, the love of someone new coming into this world. I'm still trying to figure out my feelings, trying to figure out where I stand, and how to correct the mistakes I've made in the past. But as for now, fact of the matter is I am where I am. This is where my path has lead me, and it will be just another chapter in the history of my life.

John Lennon once said "don't you know it's gonna be alright." And you know what? It just might be. Until then, I'll just have to remember to breathe and take some baby steps.

something there that wasn't there before

I feel like faith is something that grows over time. It's a part of life that can be forgotten if you choose to; but if you ever feel the need to go back to it, the feelings can take a while to return. I believe in certain things in life. I know that there is more than this world, and I know that if I make it to Heaven there will be many members of my family waiting for me, waiting to welcome me home. I believe that there is something more than this world; I believe that there has to be. I believe that there is someone watching over me, and I believe that despite the past years of doubt, I will be loved and welcome back into this family.

This path is not something that I take lightly, and I think I understand where this push towards faith is coming from. When you lose someone, that hurt does not just go away. The feelings need to be channeled somewhere. The pain, hurt, and excess love that I feel in me, they need to be dispersed somehow. My faith is not something that I take lightly. It isn't even something that I talk about freely, or ever. I have not mentioned feelings like these in a very long while. I nee to now though. I feel like if there were a right time to give my faith another shot, it is now. Because I need to have faith in something bigger than all of this. This can't just be it. I need to believe that the things we do, and the things that happen around us, I need to believe that they are part of a bigger plan. I need to know that one day I will have the answers to my questions. Because I need to know that this all was for something. In the end, I will need to know that my blind faith is worth something, and that it has gotten me somewhere. And while I am willing t admit that I am ready to believe again, I need those around me to use a steady and rather gentle guiding hand as I try and find my own way.

"If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing." 1 Corinthians 13:2

you'll never see me fall apart

For what I can say, Saturday was a great look into the life of the man I didn't know so well. There were so many stories: some that I have heard thousands of times, and others that just made me laugh and shake my head. This is what he wanted: laughter, drinks, friends and family. All of us together, celebrating the life of the man who had such magnetism that you just had to notice him. That's all I've got so far. I'm trying to figure out how to deal with this in my own way.

I can't stand talking about myself like this, like I'm some helpless thing. I mean... yeah, I'm sad. I'm seriously confused, and I don't understand how or why things like this happen. But most of all, I'm angry. Things like this shouldn't happen to people who work so hard, and on top of that try so hard to be good. People like this do not need to be taken from a world like this. And for that, I am angry.

There are seven stages of grief, I understand this. Anger is in there, somewhere around stage three. But More than being angry, I am just confused. I know that this happens to everyone, that the end is a part of life. 'The debt that all men pay.' I guess I just didn't understand how much these people meant to me; I was too young while they were here to understand that I needed to appreciate them. And now it is too late. But that is part of life right?

Ignorance. Foolishness. Loss. Shock, pain, anger. Regret. Hurt. Grieving. Acceptance. Hope.

I strongly believe that there is always hope. No matter how much you have been hurt, or how much you are afraid that something bad is going to happen, hope is always there. It waits for you to grab on to it, and will stay for as long as you hold it. So here's to hope, and the prayer that I won't forget to appreciate from now on.

zip the lip, and take a lap

When I was a kid I was taught that when you run faster, work harder, and think not only broadly but quickly, you will win bigger. The lessons that I learned in my childhood have followed me throughout my life, and on this day I am reminded of the man that taught me.

I did not come by my coach by chance. This was a decision that was made for me by my mother and by the athleticism in my sister that my coach considered to be a family trait. And while it was not my choice that placed me on his team, it was my decisions and trust in this man that kept me there. The years that I played for Joe were always filled with laughter and triumph as he taught my friends and I what success tasted like. Together we learned how eleven different girls could become one cohesive unit, and in turn we taught our coach how a team of rowdy twelve year old's could become a family.

Today, we laid to rest one of the solid figures of my childhood. And though words may not be enough to convey what this man meant to me, and how he shaped the individual that I am today, they stand as a testament to who he was. I stand as a testament to the type of decision maker and ambitious young woman that he hoped for all of his girls to be. Today, I remember you coach; and I thank you for leading me to a life that promises so much more than first place trophies.

you'll be here in my heart

Yesterday, for the second time in my life, I saw my father cry. A long, silent hug. Several forced, deep breaths. And the the struggle of the words that he couldn't bear to say. I knew what was coming. I had been awake for longer than he and my mom thought I had. My bedroom window overlooks the backyard, and I had heard bits and pieces of conversation since the phone call that had woken me up hours before.

"I didn't wake you up, did I?"
"Yeah it's him."
"No, Patti called Mark this morning... Sometime around 4:00."

There are moments like these, defining moments, that can cause you to falter- to question everything in general. There are these people in my life that are more than human to me. They are the people that I want to emulate in my own life, and the ones that I look to to always be constant. But when moments like this come along, it makes it harder to breathe. It makes it harder to trust anything. Most of all, it makes it harder to have faith. To see my dad cry over this, the loss of someone who was undoubtedly one of his favorite people in existence, it changes a person.

So here's to my uncle: a man who would give a 12-year-old a sip of his scotch just because he thought it would be funny; a man who would use family gatherings as a time to teach my dad how to play grand theft auto; a man who, no matter the situation, could put a smile on your face and a certain warmth in your heart; my dad's best friend, and someone that I will regret not knowing better, for the rest of my life.

"Death is not extinguishing the light; it is putting out the lamp because dawn has come." --Tagore

"What do my classmates, and I, need to hear on graduation day?"

Frank Warren, the creator of Post Secret, recently delivered a commencement speech at St. Mary's College of Maryland. In his speech, he sought inspiration from the students and asked them to submit postcards which answered the question: "What do my classmates, and I need to hear on graduation day?" Here are some of the responses...

Be wise enough not to be reckless, but brave enough to take great risks.

No matter how low you consider yourself, there is always someone looking up at you wishing they were that high.

Sometimes it's more than okay to be terrified.

It's okay to be afraid, but don't let that fear hold you back. Instead, have it push you forward, breaking through the barrier you thought was there.

You'll regret the things you didn't do, more than the things you ever did.

Sometimes, the hardest things and the right things are the same.

The darkest hours are the hours in which we discover ourselves.

You will be fine.

If there is ever a tomorrow when we are not together there is something you must always remember: you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think, but most important of all, even if we are apart. I'll always be with you.

I'm blocked; mentally, emotionally, pure and simple blocked. There are so many thoughts running rampant in my head, and I can make no sense of them. There is no way for me to get them out. I feel that anyone I could tell them to probably doesn't want to hear it. Therefore I am blocked. It's causing a great turmoil inside of me, and in all honesty it will be a while before it goes away.

lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones

And I will try, to fix you. Fix you, and keep you safe. This is all I have ever wanted to be able to give my family, my loved ones. I know that it is impossible for me to do this, for me to constantly keep watch over them all. But if I could, I would try. It's the Holden Caulfield in me. "If a body catch a body coming through the rye." I'd stand there at that edge and try to catch them all. Save them from the fall that we're all heading for. But I know I can't. I know that's how we all grow up. There are some falls hat we are all heading for that make us who we are. We cannot change them, and most of the time they come to us. But if I could, I would be there, trying to save you. Catching you before you hit the ground. Or at least being there to cushion your fall.

I know that there are times that I don't make the best decisions. And there are times when I am not the easiest person to get along with. But I think that I am stubborn because I want the best out of life. The best for the people I love. And I don't know how to convey that. I don't know how to convey that a lot of the time. I will try though, I will try for you. I want to live my life for you, for all of you, with an undying fierceness and passion that will have you never question your place in this world. I want you to know that no matter the time, day, or place, you are loved by at least on person on this Earth. And that person loves you so much more than even she thought possible.

In the end, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to make a difference. I came to terms with the fact that my impact would never be on a global level. But to you all, to the ones around me, to the one's that I've loved, lost, forgotten, or even cut out: I love you. Because despite everything, I still belive that all we need is love. And I belive that having a little more of it in our lives can change the world.

painted this smile on my face to hide my broken heart

I feel done. I am done trying to put up a fight about things, trying to make you see my point of view, and mostly I'm done trying to convince everybody of everything. I feel as though I could lock myself away and be perfectly contented for the rest of my life. I've learned that I don't put up walls to keep people out, and I don't push people away because I don't want them in my life. My walls are there, and I push people behind them, to see who's really going to make the effort. I understand that this isn't healthy, and I understand that I shouldn't require people to constantly prove themselves to me. It's just the way I am. You can't expect me to change overnight.

I am not into the idea of living without you

He doesn't think I heard it, but I did. On the phone today, with the strongest man I know, I heard his heart break. When you come from a family like mine, love is never too far from where you are. And when one of us is hurting, there are times when you can only feel helpless no matter how hard you try to think of ways to save this person.

No matter how hard I try, I can't think of any ways to save you. I want to with all my might, with all my love. I would bargain with God. Offer my life up for yours. Just so that you could see many more days on this Earth. I would change my life, change the person that I am, if it would only keep you here with us. I don't know what to do, what to say to make that happen. I cannot have this happen again. I cannot go through this again. I don't want to. They told me that life wasn't going to play fair, but does she really have to make her game this conniving?

For situations like this, I find myself having no words. And words tend to flow from my fingers when I'm feeling the way I am right now. But what do I have to do with any of this? What about your wife? You children? Your sister? What about my dad? And my uncles? What are they going to do? What are we going to do? That is the only question that I can seem to think of. Summer vacations don't seem as appealing as they used to. Who will initiate games of Tripoley and ask the underage-ers to get him another beer out of the cooler? There is no one that seems to have as much life as you do. I could never see you the way that they tell me you are now. You have been the constant. Always laughing, making jokes, creating jokes, and keeping a collective smile on the face of the family.

My heart is breaking. Not because you will not be here to give us these things, but because I cannot seem to find a way to give them back to you. Just one more laugh, one more hug, one more kiss on top of my head. You are a super hero to me. You always have been. When I look at you, I see so much more than family. I see laughter. I see tradition. I see my father's best friend, and the type of bond that I only hope to have with someone in my life one day. You are infallible. You are the strongest person that I have ever seen. You make the most awkward situations into the funniest of my life.

I don't want to let go. I don't want to figure out how I do that when the time comes. I have been trying to keep this in and I can't anymore. I never realized how big a part you are of my life, and I never even knew. You are so many things to me, to our family. You mean too much to us, to me. And I never knew enough to tell you. I love you and I feel so blessed for the love, the laughter, and the memories that you have given us. But I am not ready to say goodbye. Honestly, I don't think any of us are.

our lives are made, in these small hours

Right now, there's nothing she wouldn't give for a long, hot summer: mason jars filled with iced tea, sunsets over vast rolling hills, and the sound of B.B. King drifting to her ears from a radio on the back porch. In all honesty, it's the way she pictures perfection. There would be a porch that wraps entirely around a Craftsman style house. There would be a swing hanging from an old oak tree where she could sit and watch the sun rise every morning. And a garden. It would be filled with bell peppers, cucumbers, strawberries; everything a girl could ask for.

She's ready for this. Ready to be done, and have that those wonderful years ahead of her. It's what she's always wanted. Call her cliche but she has always admitted that at the end of the day all she wants is that white picket fence. Even if it means that she has to build and paint it herself. And she's coming to realize that that might be more and more of a possibility.

It was two nights ago when the feeling took her by surprise. It was rather late at night, or really early in the morning, she can't remember. And even though she had just finished a conversation and it was still fresh in her mind, she had never felt more alone in her life. Her ears were still warm from when she had last heard her friend's voice. It was a voice that generally meant comfort and support. The last words were still hanging in the air, and she could barely breathe. She rolled over, faced a wall, and tried to sort through the thoughts in her head: Do I feel alone because everyone is asleep now? Do I feel this way because I can realize that I am pushing people away? Is it because the people that I'm not pushing away, don't want to be let in?

In all honesty, she still hasn't figured it out. The feeling has faded but her memory of it's sharp, surprising pain is still fresh in her mind. It's a feeling that she wouldn't wish for anyone to have to experience. But she will figure it out. Thinking is not such a bad thing. Her thinking is what will get her through this. And in the end, she knows that she won't feel so alone.

she laid her heart and soul right in your hands

There was a moment last night that everything seemed to break. Not necessarily break, but shift. The shift was so much so that she seemed to lose her footing, and from that moment on she has been stumbling. Not enough to fall, but enough to make her look around and try to figure out what the hell is going on.

Everything was fine. She was feeling fine, and she was actually happy with the way that everything was going. Now she's coming back to herself and she cannot see how she is this person. This person looking back at her in the mirror is not what she had planned. There were once dreams of greatness. It was success beyond anyone's wildest dreams. Now, those plans have turned to hopes and dreams. And she's so tired of feeling this way. The reflection in the mirror is not what it should be. But it's hard to figure out if the image that she's looking for is the one that she wants to see, or the one that others have told her to look for.

On Saturday night, all she was looking for was a hug. After he left, the rush of emotions was too much... and that's when she began to feel her world shift. It was just enough to make her think twice and force herself to realize that she isn't as fine as she's been telling herself. And, just maybe, all these reasons that she has been giving everyone else... well they just might be the truth. There just might be something there that she needs to work out, and there just might be something wrong that she hadn't realized before. So how was it that she subconsciously knew that this shift in her life was needed?

I'll tell you one thing about her though, she has the best support system that anyone has ever know. So much so that she might not even know she needs help, and they are there. So much so that she can walk into the house, and her best friend will hug her because she knows that that's the only thing in the world she could want at that moment. And it's little things like that, the small gestures, that mean the world to her.

Best friend, boo dawg, you have no idea how much your hug meant to me. There are pictures on my camera of it. And when I saw them this morning, I couldn't help but cry. Thank you for loving me no matter what I do, or what decision I make. Thank you for being able to tell me not to listen to people, and for making time for my awkward phone calls where I don't make any sense at all. Thank you for hugging me enough for two, so much so that I could feel love all the way from Virginia. Thank you for believing that I am not broken, and that there is a greater purpose for this situation. I wish that there were more people in the world like you. It would be a much happier place to live in.

she dreams she's dancing

I believe that when one wants to reinvent herself, she must begin with her hair. Hair can change a person. Blonde is my original: it is where I have come from, and it is the person that I am when I feel most comfortable. It is genuine, it is loving, and it is what makes me feel the most content with myself. When my hair is blonde, it is usually long; as long as I can get it to be. In all honesty, it makes me feel pretty. I am most at home here, and it is also where I am my most vulnerable. When the blonde extensions go in, I am feeling grown up. I am feeling somewhat rather elegant, and I am feeling like I can go anything. When the pink extensions go in I am feeling spunky. I am quirky, and I am feeling like I cannot be touched by the opinions of others. This mostly happens at home. The pink makes me think of summers at home, badminton in the backyard, and the early stages of love. The pink only comes out when I'm feeling very comfortable with myself... and very much like a rebel without a cause.

And then there's the brown; it's a tricky one. I honestly love the brown, more chocolate than dark. I like the way I look with it, even when no one else seems to. They all prefer the blonde. I think subconsciously they know what it means. My momma tells me I'm more striking as a blonde. Which, in all honesty, I'll agree with. The brown keeps me safe, it helps me to fly under the radar. It's like a really big jacket that I pull on, and I'm protected from a lot of things. Brown makes me more sarcastic, a little more quiet, and a lot more contemplative. The brown comes when I want to make a big change in my life. This time, it came after a big change. It comes as part of my reinvention. I know you might think that this is all about my hair, and while it might seem that way, it's so much more than that.

This is my reinvention. This is the most defining moment in my life. This is the first time that I feel as though I have legitimately taken life into my own hands. Into my hands, and out of the temptations of fate. Fate can only take you so far. From here on out, it's me all the way. And that feels so good.

how bout you don't...

There is a change coming. The change is here. I just have to figure out how to keep my hands wrapped around it. It would be so easy to keep things the way they were, but that wouldn't be fair to any of us. There is a lot of growing up that needs to be done. And I feel like once that is done, I will look back on all of this and smile. This is for the best. You said it yourself, "This is all going to work out for us. This is all going to be alright." And I really hope that you believe that.

I don't have faith in much. I haven't for a while. It seems to me that there hasn't been much lately for me to have faith in. I want to have it; I want to believe that everything will be alright, and the decisions I am making are for the best. I need to grow up, and I need to learn that the decisions I am making are alright for me. I need to learn to stop validating my life through everyone else's opinion. There are many things that I need to learn. And I feel like this step, well it's the beginning of my education. This education is not found in schools, but it is one that will be paid for.

You know what I would do? If I could, I would leave this town right now. I would leave by myself, and spend the rest of my life driving around the country. I would visit as many small towns, and little cities that I could. I would take pictures, learn from the people, hold a job for a while, and then pick up and leave. My dad used to tell me that his sister never seemed to be around after her boys were grown because she always seemed to have 'travelin feet.' That's what I feel like. I would be contented for the rest of my life to move city to city, country to country, and learn as much as I could. I would give back, in philosophy, in art, in writing, and I would make my life by never settling in one specific place. That is what my dream seems to be. And I hope beyond all hopes that one day it comes true.

but someday, and soon, i'll make you proud

I need to start living life for myself. I always feel as though the decisions I make should be for others, and I really wish that I made the effort to not be so passive. I need to make up my own mind in the sense that I need to decide what is going to be best for me. What is best for me? I don't know how to make that decision without asking others. I need to decide for myself. How do I do that? And how do I stop asking so many questions?

"I'm sorry for tonight. I just want you to know that you have much more going for than you think."
I saved it in my inbox. Drunken works don't mean much, but this sentence here is something I cannot comprehend. I don't have that much. I don't need people to try and prove this to me, I just need someone to show me the way. I need to come to terms with this myself. And I need to figure out how to get some of this 'confidence' that people keep talking about.

The difference for me, I believe, is that while I can have confidence in others, I tend to have but faith in myself. Faith should be stronger. But faith means going out on a limb; trusting in that which you know has not been proven or tested to it's full capacity. Confidence, to me, means that it has been there before and will come back intact and even more full of life than it has before. I have confidence in many things. But my faith... that seems to be stretched a little thin these days.

One of these days, I will find the confidence in myself to trust fully in my faith. It is going to happen; that I can believe. This process though, that is what is going to take a while. I am not perfect, nor do I pretend to be. All I ask now is that you find the patience to bear with me through all of this.

and I''m a part of that

I am imperfect. I make mistakes. And this is definitely something that I am coming to terms with. People may like me, and then again they may not, but I wasn't made for everyone else's amusement. I am myself one hundred percent of the time. I make impulsive, bad decisions but in the end I'm not going to regret them. These people, this place, it's the best time of my life. Even when we're not doing anything, it means something to me. And I'm not going to apologize for that.

People say I think too much, that I'm always in my head. I know that there are situations where I need to not think and let things happen, but that's not necessarily a very responsible thing to do. I like to think. It keeps me calm, and lets me focus on the things that I need to. There is nothing wrong with thinking, or feeling, or being curious. I think too much because I would rather know than spend the rest of my life wondering. And there is nothing wrong with that.

because I love Salinger

Among other things, you'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You're by no means alone on that score, you'll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You'll learn from them - if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry.

I'm just too far from where you are

What it boils down to, is that I want my momma and pappy. I haven't been this scared in a while. I'm not trying at sound all emo. That's not what I'm trying to convey here. This change, this change that I'm going through now, it's definitely needed. I've known that this change was coming. But to see it here, it's nerve-wracking. Something in my life has been constant for the last three years. And now, it's run it's course. Some of you hope it's just for the time being, and maybe it is.... we'll see. But to make this change myself, to take my own fate in my hands... it's tough.

I know that my fate has always been under my control, that it's been in my hands. I guess I just never realized how much it depended on me. It sounds weird to say, but I don't feel like I've ever had this much control over it. And it scares me. Scares me that there won't be someone constantly there; but it'll make me stronger right? I'll be better for it, right? This all seems rather complicated. And I don't quite know how to word it.

After three years, I should feel something right? Even if it's a bad emotion like relief, or happiness, or sadness, anger, disappointment, something... anything. I don't. I don't and can't find myself feeling anything at all. What I do feel is like I'm broken. Like I've waited so long to feel something, and now nothing is coming out. So therefore, I guess all I feel is broken. I would give anything to feel something about this, rather than just feeling like... like... like this. You know I haven't even cried? That's so lame to be upset about, but maybe it's just the natural reaction I've been looking for.