others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars

I was fighting a losing battle. From the moment that you wrapped me in your coat and held me in the snow, I was a goner. This wasn't the reason that I left. I went to find something but I really believe that the something I was looking for was me. I never expected to find you, or anything like it. And as such, I never expected you to follow me back here. I never thought that you would actually call, that we would actually go to dinner, that you actually wanted something beyond a simple European romance. But here I am: holding your hand, having study dates in the library, hanging out with your roommates... fighting a losing battle.

So the other day I thought about it. You were laying next to me, dozing in and out of consciousness, and I couldn't help but think about what things would be like with you. I couldn't help but be astonished about the way things are with you. You said it yourself. "I really can't believe the way things have worked out. It's really like something out of a movie." Well kid, I agree. Things like this, they don't happen in real life. You don't meet someone in Oxford, kiss them on top of the Eiffel Tower, and then bring them back home. I am so amazed at the way things have worked out. This type of fall, it's the kind that books are written about. I never knew that something like this could progress the way that it has. It's almost too good for words, almost too good for anything.

So I gave up fighting a losing battle. I was never going to win in the first place. There was no way for me to come out of this situation in any way but pieces. But there's the beauty in it. The pieces that I have aren't these broken, shattered things that I have known from before. These pieces are separate but intertwined. They each belong to a single person, but the make up the person that I am. And now, there is a piece for you. It's one of the biggest parts, really, and it's yours if you'll have it. It's the piece that makes me smile every time you walk into a room. It's the piece that warms my body entirely with every hug, every smile, and every look that comes from you.

"So lay here beside me, just hold me, and don't let go. This feeling I'm feeling is something I've never known."

So I guess what I'm really trying to say is, I love you. I think you might know, just like I think you might have said it this morning. But since I can't find it in myself to say it to you yet, I'll say it here. I think that you have a laugh that can make the entire room warm. Your eyes are some kind of ridiculous blue that are so deep, but they are filled with fireworks. There's something so comforting about the way you smell. It reminds me of a million memories that we've yet to experience. When you tuck me in at night, it feels like home. Like the warmth radiating from you is a million times greater than any warmth that would be given by all the blankets in the world. You are warm. You are my comfortable place in the world. You are safety. And in spite of all of these things that I am not... you are mine.

I'm terrified of what you'd say to me if you knew just how much I feel for you. I know that I shouldn't. I think that people put a certain time limit on things like this. Don't say it too early. Don't wait until it's too late. Where's the middle ground? I guess it's here. I'll say it here, whisper to myself while you sleep, yell it in my mind as you stare at me over the top of your computer screen. Who knows when it's appropriate to say? I don't. But like I said before, I've given up. I'm not fighting this losing battle any more. My heart is yours, to fill or burst, break or bury, or wear as jewelery; whichever you prefer.

punched at every corner, arms securely bound

I hate to tie. For as long as I can remember, I've hated the feeling of being 'just as good' as someone else. To be honest about it, I really like winning. There's a type of high that comes with knowing you're the best. It may sound smug, or pretentious, but it's the truth. I don't like losing, but I'll take it over tying any day. Its definitive, it's clear, and there are no questions about it. Maybe that's what I hate about tying: you never really know where you do stand. If the ball had just bounced a different way, if we just had more people to help with the banner... there are way too many ifs in that sentence. It's like you're in limbo, and I really hate that.
Tying is frustrating. Mostly because you know that you could have had so much more. Should have thought just one second faster, could have moved one inch to the right, would have stopped him from getting around me. Shoulda. Coulda. Woulda. Ties leave me with too many thoughts in my head, especially when someone forces me to tie. It's like running, repeatedly, into a brick wall. Somehow bouncing back, and taking a running leap at it again. The hopeful child in me thinks that I could break that wall down, knows that I should be able to. It's not that easy when what you want is on the other side, helping the wall to keep it's stance. Maybe that is the most frustrating aspect. Knowing that you're trying, trying as hard as you can conceive... and you don't get anywhere. Sure, there are moments when I can make it around the wall for a little bit. I sneak past, and if I'm lucky I can feel like I'm taking the lead. But the second I step foot outside that door, the wall comes back down and I am once again tied. It's hard when the one thing you want won't let you take the lead. What's a hundred miles? Really, it's nothing. Not even an inch on any standard map. A hundred miles is nothing, and sometimes it means so much. The difference between winning and tying; the difference between home and limbo, between love and lonliness. I'd rather know. I really don't want to force a decision in a situation like this, because I know I would come up empty. But empty is something I can deal with. Empty handed is something I can figure out, and it's something that I can learn from. But for you, and for you alone, I will keep throwing myself at that wall. I'll keep tying, and hope that one of these days I can pull ahead.
Losing is better than tying. It hurts more and there are many more emotions involved, but it's clear. When I lose I know where I stand. I am silent, I collect all these broken thoughts, and I try to put it back together. Usually it works, sometimes it doesn't. Like the other day, when one of my best friends was so sorry. It wasn't her fault, and I tried to rationalize that there was just someone better. There were at least six better than I would have been. And that is alright. If I keep telling myself that, I'll believe it right? I am not mad. I'm not frustrated with this loss, or even happy in it. This has just left me feeling empty. I don't really know where my next step should be. Shuffle right? Straight forward? Steps back, even? I think that back is where I have been going. Retreating into what I think I know. I think that I know certain things about myself. But this loss, it threw me for a loop. I'm not sure how to feel, and because of that I just end up feeling rejected. Maybe I shouldn't have taken it so literally. Maybe I shouldn't have put too much of myself into it. That way, when I was rejected, I wouldn't feel so personal about it. I wouldn't feel like it was me they didn't like, only my ideas. I just wanted to help. I just wanted to do something that I could honestly say wasn't about me. I have faith in what happend, I mean I really don't have any other choice. But how do I shake this feeling of rejection? And why can't I stop asking myself 'When will I be good enough?'

guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all

"The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can."

I've held on to this for almost seven years. I don't know how to let this go. Where do you even begin? Everyone else, they're fine. They've dealt with it, and they've learned how to grow beyond it. It's not that they don't think about her, I know they do; they bring her up in conversation now. They've learned how to use this as part of their growth in life, and it's become a stepping stool for greater things. Greater things for other people. There are times when I know that a certain moment can mean something. I know that there are lessons I can take away from situations, and I swear that I try to. But I feel as thought there is this block. I'm not blaming that on anyone but myself, yet it's hard for me to try and find a way around it. That moment... that cloudy, dismal Saturday morning... that's when I lost my childhood. Things happen in high school, people begin to grow up and change, and that is what is supposed to happen. They grow out of their childhood. To this day, I can't help but feel as though I as banished from it. Pushed out of the nest before I could even conceive the concept of flying.

I'm a stubborn person. I don't ask for help easily, if at all. And when people do give me advice I tend to shine it on, and act like I know best. It's not that I want to forget her, I really don't. But my dad made it very clear. It's time. Mom can't bear to see me dwell like this anymore, and Dad doesn't blame me for anything. So I guess I'm just asking for help; advice that I refuse to shrug off. How do you move on from something like this? How do you accept the fact that no one blames you? They don't care that you're the reason that they couldn't say goodbye. She wouldn't mind that you weren't there. Lauren has constantly told me that she wouldn't have wanted us to see her like that. She's want us to remember her in better days. All I seem to remember is the look on Dad's face when he walked into the kitchen. Seeing his lower lip tremble, and immediately knowing what happened. There were no words for me. Immediately I knew what I had done wrong. I was the reason we didn't see her. I am the reason that Dad did not have the chance to say goodbye to his only sister. It's my fault that that didn't happen, and for the life of me I can't figure out how to find that forgiveness that I've been looking for. So how do I do it? How do you move past grief? When you know it's time, and your father has admitted that he doesn't blame you for anything... How do you move on from that? How do you apologize to someone you can't talk to, and then live your life for them, rather than in the shadow of your grief? How?

from Grey's Anatomy

"Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away. There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance."

hands tied behind my back for nothing

It's all happening. All of these things that I've waited for so long to happen, they are finally coming true. I mean, my mom always told me that being patient will pay off, but I never really believed her. My life is happening. And I really can't be more excited.
I can't believe it's happening. Things can work out. And I can't believe that I have been blessed with parents this amazing! And these people are all standing behind me. I never in my entire life thought that I would be this lucky. I am still in shock. I can't believe it. This is going to be incredible. And I can't believe that it's happening to me.
I've held myself back for a while. I wouldn't let myself go. I wouldn't push myself out there like this. And now, there's nothing holding me back. I can go if I want to. And I have faith that this is all going to work out for the best. I cannot believe it's working out.
I used to believe in Fight Club. I used to believe that "it's not until we've lost everything, that we're free to do anything." To get this, I didn't have to lose anything at all. I just had to be patient, and wait for my turn. My turn is here, and I can't freeking believe it.

screaming to the stars just to feel alive

It's weird to know that your friends are talking about you, even when they don't. Weird to feel that random topic break into the conversation and head straight for your heart. It's almost surreal. But it took me back. Back to my bedroom: sitting on the carpet, at the foot of my bed. Trying to be calm. It wasn't that long ago; and yet it feels like an eternity. All I was looking for was someone who would listen. Someone who would understand even though I hadn't said anything. And like that, five years later, those people are here. They make it easier.
Easier to the point that I know who I can call at two in the morning. For some reason, the idea of him seemed logical. He would know what was happening in my head. And he did. We talked about my loneliness, how I had been surrounded by people and had no idea what to say. How I'm lucky to have so many people, and how he believes I just might be too scared to turn to them. Scared and embarrassed. Embarrassed because turning to someone means that I'm not as put together as I try to be. And talking to him made me know that it's okay. Support like that, it's what gets you through long dives back to your apartment. It's that unconscious love that makes it easier to breathe, and that gets you to tomorrow.

it won't be like this for long

I have something to say, and I really don't know how to say it. I think that it has to do with time; it's been on my mind a lot lately. Probably due to the fact that this is the beginning of my last year. It made me think yesterday that this is also, probably, my last year at State. What happens when I graduate from here? Do I have enough time to do everything that I want to? And when I'm done, will I think that I spent my time doing everything that I wanted to? One of my professors said today: "In college it's not who you are, or what you say, but what you do with your time while you're here." Am I spending it right? I've taken a step back from things, and I've tried to sort through them. I think I know what I think. And I hope that that's enough.

Time passing seems to be one of the things that I can depend on. I feel like it's just ticking away. Slowly but surely. Surely and definitely. But what if definitely wasn't definite? I know that that may make no sense to you, but if I could I would slow this time down completely. I would take back certain things; try to change them if I could. And I know that when someone questions my character, if I could do it again, I would stand up for myself. Tell you that I'm not the kind of girl who acts just to make a scene. And if you think that I am, then you don't know me half as well as you think you do.
But there's no going back in time. There is only forward. One step at a time. A minute which turns into an hour. Hours into days, and then the rest of our lives. Where is my life taking me? I feel as though I've caused myself into a rut, if you will. You spend a while thinking about one particular thing, hoping for it to happen. The next thing you know, time has passed you by. I'm done with wasting my time.
I want to be that girl again; the one that let things come naturally. The one that could sit back and wait to see what life threw at her. But let's just be honest, when have I ever completely been that girl? I like to plan things, to work them in my favor, and in a way that I believe will benefit those around me. But I shouldn't have to work this hard. Not for something like this.

And this is why I'm happy that time is passing. I have the option to stay here. I can do that, and I am lucky enough to have parents that will support that decision with no questions asked. But I am growing up, I am changing. And as time goes by I wonder if this is really the place for me. Where do I fit? And how do I get there, once I've figured that out?