I hate to tie. For as long as I can remember, I've hated the feeling of being 'just as good' as someone else. To be honest about it, I really like winning. There's a type of high that comes with knowing you're the best. It may sound smug, or pretentious, but it's the truth. I don't like losing, but I'll take it over tying any day. Its definitive, it's clear, and there are no questions about it. Maybe that's what I hate about tying: you never really know where you do stand. If the ball had just bounced a different way, if we just had more people to help with the banner... there are way too many ifs in that sentence. It's like you're in limbo, and I really hate that.
Tying is frustrating. Mostly because you know that you could have had so much more. Should have thought just one second faster, could have moved one inch to the right, would have stopped him from getting around me. Shoulda. Coulda. Woulda. Ties leave me with too many thoughts in my head, especially when someone forces me to tie. It's like running, repeatedly, into a brick wall. Somehow bouncing back, and taking a running leap at it again. The hopeful child in me thinks that I could break that wall down, knows that I should be able to. It's not that easy when what you want is on the other side, helping the wall to keep it's stance. Maybe that is the most frustrating aspect. Knowing that you're trying, trying as hard as you can conceive... and you don't get anywhere. Sure, there are moments when I can make it around the wall for a little bit. I sneak past, and if I'm lucky I can feel like I'm taking the lead. But the second I step foot outside that door, the wall comes back down and I am once again tied. It's hard when the one thing you want won't let you take the lead. What's a hundred miles? Really, it's nothing. Not even an inch on any standard map. A hundred miles is nothing, and sometimes it means so much. The difference between winning and tying; the difference between home and limbo, between love and lonliness. I'd rather know. I really don't want to force a decision in a situation like this, because I know I would come up empty. But empty is something I can deal with. Empty handed is something I can figure out, and it's something that I can learn from. But for you, and for you alone, I will keep throwing myself at that wall. I'll keep tying, and hope that one of these days I can pull ahead.
Losing is better than tying. It hurts more and there are many more emotions involved, but it's clear. When I lose I know where I stand. I am silent, I collect all these broken thoughts, and I try to put it back together. Usually it works, sometimes it doesn't. Like the other day, when one of my best friends was so sorry. It wasn't her fault, and I tried to rationalize that there was just someone better. There were at least six better than I would have been. And that is alright. If I keep telling myself that, I'll believe it right? I am not mad. I'm not frustrated with this loss, or even happy in it. This has just left me feeling empty. I don't really know where my next step should be. Shuffle right? Straight forward? Steps back, even? I think that back is where I have been going. Retreating into what I think I know. I think that I know certain things about myself. But this loss, it threw me for a loop. I'm not sure how to feel, and because of that I just end up feeling rejected. Maybe I shouldn't have taken it so literally. Maybe I shouldn't have put too much of myself into it. That way, when I was rejected, I wouldn't feel so personal about it. I wouldn't feel like it was me they didn't like, only my ideas. I just wanted to help. I just wanted to do something that I could honestly say wasn't about me. I have faith in what happend, I mean I really don't have any other choice. But how do I shake this feeling of rejection? And why can't I stop asking myself 'When will I be good enough?'
Tying is frustrating. Mostly because you know that you could have had so much more. Should have thought just one second faster, could have moved one inch to the right, would have stopped him from getting around me. Shoulda. Coulda. Woulda. Ties leave me with too many thoughts in my head, especially when someone forces me to tie. It's like running, repeatedly, into a brick wall. Somehow bouncing back, and taking a running leap at it again. The hopeful child in me thinks that I could break that wall down, knows that I should be able to. It's not that easy when what you want is on the other side, helping the wall to keep it's stance. Maybe that is the most frustrating aspect. Knowing that you're trying, trying as hard as you can conceive... and you don't get anywhere. Sure, there are moments when I can make it around the wall for a little bit. I sneak past, and if I'm lucky I can feel like I'm taking the lead. But the second I step foot outside that door, the wall comes back down and I am once again tied. It's hard when the one thing you want won't let you take the lead. What's a hundred miles? Really, it's nothing. Not even an inch on any standard map. A hundred miles is nothing, and sometimes it means so much. The difference between winning and tying; the difference between home and limbo, between love and lonliness. I'd rather know. I really don't want to force a decision in a situation like this, because I know I would come up empty. But empty is something I can deal with. Empty handed is something I can figure out, and it's something that I can learn from. But for you, and for you alone, I will keep throwing myself at that wall. I'll keep tying, and hope that one of these days I can pull ahead.
Losing is better than tying. It hurts more and there are many more emotions involved, but it's clear. When I lose I know where I stand. I am silent, I collect all these broken thoughts, and I try to put it back together. Usually it works, sometimes it doesn't. Like the other day, when one of my best friends was so sorry. It wasn't her fault, and I tried to rationalize that there was just someone better. There were at least six better than I would have been. And that is alright. If I keep telling myself that, I'll believe it right? I am not mad. I'm not frustrated with this loss, or even happy in it. This has just left me feeling empty. I don't really know where my next step should be. Shuffle right? Straight forward? Steps back, even? I think that back is where I have been going. Retreating into what I think I know. I think that I know certain things about myself. But this loss, it threw me for a loop. I'm not sure how to feel, and because of that I just end up feeling rejected. Maybe I shouldn't have taken it so literally. Maybe I shouldn't have put too much of myself into it. That way, when I was rejected, I wouldn't feel so personal about it. I wouldn't feel like it was me they didn't like, only my ideas. I just wanted to help. I just wanted to do something that I could honestly say wasn't about me. I have faith in what happend, I mean I really don't have any other choice. But how do I shake this feeling of rejection? And why can't I stop asking myself 'When will I be good enough?'
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