There's something about my family. They are the thing that I was missing in my life, and I see that now. I am not cut out for being away from them for long periods of time. No matter how much I say that I love my space, there is always something that draws me back to them and to the comfort of their love. It's a certain kind of love; very assured of it's place and how we convey it to each other. These are the ones who can say something that I don't want to hear, and I believe them because I know they are saying the things that I don't even want to think.
That love is the reason why I could sit at that wedding tonight, and believe Laura when she told me that I didn't have to put up with bullshit from any boy. "No matter how long you loved him for, that will never give him the excuse to play around with your heart." The words that I didn't want to think, laid out right in front of me. If messing around with me was going to be the way for you to heal your broken heart, I would have let you. But she saw right through you. One of the most honest women in my life, one of my role models, looked me in the eye and gave me the courage that she hoped I could have.
It's love like that, that fills the holes in my life and makes me reach for something more. The way in which she looked at me, and told me the one thing that no one else in my family would say. It's this kind of love and support that I have been looking for. The kind that will smack me across the back of my head and make more sense than anything else in the world. And it's that kind of love that only the closest people in my life can give to me. Others, they don't know how to convey it. But these people, the ones I am bound to by so much more than blood, they know me; they understand. Understand, and help me to stand when I feel like I can't on my own. They are the constant in my life, and though there have been some that have left us, I know that their love is what is constant. Constant, and unwavering. And even though I make decisions sometimes that they might not be too sure of, they are always there to hold my hand and give me courage when I can't find it myself. And it is that kind of love that keeps me assured. It is that kind of love that holds me to this place, and it is their faith that makes me sure of the decisions I am making. And while I might not be making any sense whatsoever, I know that they don't care. They are here to help me make sense of it all. And honestly, I'd want nothing else till I die.
"In life, as in baseball, it is the number of times you reach home safely that counts."
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
when you're fifteen
I can't remember the way her voice sounded when she said my name. I can't remember her laugh. I can't remember the last time I saw her laugh.
Uncle Joe called me kid. He would hug me from the side, and his voice was loud enough that it could fill the entire room with warmth. He was sturdy, and solid, and hard. But comforting, and protective. He was tall, and no matter how old I was I sill barely reached his shoulder. It's his laugh that I remember the most. He loved to laugh; no matter the time, place, or occasion, he was always making jokes or telling stories.
Uncle Vinnie called me toes. I think that's cause Patti did too. He would 'shark-attack' me in Uncle Jon's pool and tell me that each toe had a different flavor, and as I laughed he would nibble them and list them off. Uncle Vinnie was the first person to teach me to like mushrooms, and as I watched him create lunch in my Uncle's kitchen that I first learned that cooking was also an art.
But she was different. It was so long ago, and I was just a child then. It didn't occur to me that I should make an effort to remember these things. And now, sitting here, I can't remember the way my name sounded when you called me. You did thousands upon thousands of times; from the day I was born, until I was fifteen. And I just never knew. I never thought. I always had hope. Always thought just maybe it would go away. Maybe you'd be lucky enough to beat it. But here it sit almost seven years later, and I can't remember your laugh. I can't remember the way your voice sounded when you said my name. And I swear to God, I wish I could.
Uncle Joe called me kid. He would hug me from the side, and his voice was loud enough that it could fill the entire room with warmth. He was sturdy, and solid, and hard. But comforting, and protective. He was tall, and no matter how old I was I sill barely reached his shoulder. It's his laugh that I remember the most. He loved to laugh; no matter the time, place, or occasion, he was always making jokes or telling stories.
Uncle Vinnie called me toes. I think that's cause Patti did too. He would 'shark-attack' me in Uncle Jon's pool and tell me that each toe had a different flavor, and as I laughed he would nibble them and list them off. Uncle Vinnie was the first person to teach me to like mushrooms, and as I watched him create lunch in my Uncle's kitchen that I first learned that cooking was also an art.
But she was different. It was so long ago, and I was just a child then. It didn't occur to me that I should make an effort to remember these things. And now, sitting here, I can't remember the way my name sounded when you called me. You did thousands upon thousands of times; from the day I was born, until I was fifteen. And I just never knew. I never thought. I always had hope. Always thought just maybe it would go away. Maybe you'd be lucky enough to beat it. But here it sit almost seven years later, and I can't remember your laugh. I can't remember the way your voice sounded when you said my name. And I swear to God, I wish I could.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
When I was younger, I was capable of living my life with this sort of reckless abandon. Enough respect for authority to know what the rules were, but enough rebellion in me to think that they didn't really apply to myself or my friends. Enough courtesy to never overstep my bounds too much, but enough confidence to be able to walk into a room and simply own it. There's no other way to explain it. We came from a small town and the way we saw it we could get away with a lot.
There's a certain sort of confidence that comes with being with the same people day in and day out. We had the right connections, knew where to go to stay out of trouble, and who to call when we were looking for just enough. Those were the days that I used to smirk. In all honesty I had it made. I used to smirk, and when we were all together, I'll admit: I used to strut... we all did. Those days were filled with sun-kissed shoulders, awkward soccer tans, and laughter that you could hear from halfway down the beach.
No matter how hard we tried days like those couldn't last forever, but those girls will always hold an amazing place in my heart. I think when we began to drift apart they all took a little piece of me with them. Some swagger here, a little strut there; piece by piece my confidence gone. What's left now of me is this person who is trying to hold on to what I have left. I'm not trying to make you think that I have no confidence in myself. On the contrary, I happen to think that at times I can be quite capable. What it takes for me, however, is just a little time, to muster some courage.
So today, when two of my best friends told me that I needed to do something, it took me by surprise. I haven't the confidence that I once carried in myself. Where did it go? Did I leave it back home with my friends for safe keeping? I always seem to find it when we make our way back to each other, but down here in San Diego, I need some time. It has been almost four years since I've put myself out there for something that I have really wanted. Being afraid is part of life. I understand this. But what I want most from my life, is to able to live with that reckless abandon again. Wild at heart. Yet responsible this time around.
"Be reckless enough to gamble all or nothing on following your dreams."
Just give me a little time to build up the courage.
There's a certain sort of confidence that comes with being with the same people day in and day out. We had the right connections, knew where to go to stay out of trouble, and who to call when we were looking for just enough. Those were the days that I used to smirk. In all honesty I had it made. I used to smirk, and when we were all together, I'll admit: I used to strut... we all did. Those days were filled with sun-kissed shoulders, awkward soccer tans, and laughter that you could hear from halfway down the beach.
No matter how hard we tried days like those couldn't last forever, but those girls will always hold an amazing place in my heart. I think when we began to drift apart they all took a little piece of me with them. Some swagger here, a little strut there; piece by piece my confidence gone. What's left now of me is this person who is trying to hold on to what I have left. I'm not trying to make you think that I have no confidence in myself. On the contrary, I happen to think that at times I can be quite capable. What it takes for me, however, is just a little time, to muster some courage.
So today, when two of my best friends told me that I needed to do something, it took me by surprise. I haven't the confidence that I once carried in myself. Where did it go? Did I leave it back home with my friends for safe keeping? I always seem to find it when we make our way back to each other, but down here in San Diego, I need some time. It has been almost four years since I've put myself out there for something that I have really wanted. Being afraid is part of life. I understand this. But what I want most from my life, is to able to live with that reckless abandon again. Wild at heart. Yet responsible this time around.
"Be reckless enough to gamble all or nothing on following your dreams."
Just give me a little time to build up the courage.
Friday, July 10, 2009
don't you know it's gonna be alright
Everyone keeps saying that it's going to be all right. Everything will work itself out in the end. I need to believe that that. I need to understand that, and have a little faith in the fact the sometimes I don't know what is best. I don't. I need people t guide me, and luckily I have the best friends ad family in the world for that. I made a huge mistake, and I realize that. Sitting here torturing myself about it isn't going to make anything better. Nothing is going to change while I'm sitting here driving myself insane. I can't change everything in the world. I can't always have what I want, no matter how badly I desire it. This is something I need to understand. Until I figure that, I will put the Beatles on shuffle, and let that drown my worries out.
Today was filled with mixed emotions. There were some trials, and a letdown here or there. I came back to my apartment feeling really downtrodden- wanting to crawl in to bed, and not come out until Saturday rolled around. But then, just like that, it all changed. Lindsay had a c-section today. And just like that, I have another baby cousin.
It was upon hearing this news that my mood shifted. No matter how sad I was feeling, or how badly I wanted to throw a pity party fr myself, I couldn't help but smile. This little, beautiful life was brought into the world today. She is something pure, and full of all the hope of the world. She has every opportunity at her tiny fingertips. And it is this fact that made me realize: no matter how I may be feeling, there is always going to be something to make me smile. My family, my friends, the love of someone new coming into this world. I'm still trying to figure out my feelings, trying to figure out where I stand, and how to correct the mistakes I've made in the past. But as for now, fact of the matter is I am where I am. This is where my path has lead me, and it will be just another chapter in the history of my life.
John Lennon once said "don't you know it's gonna be alright." And you know what? It just might be. Until then, I'll just have to remember to breathe and take some baby steps.
Today was filled with mixed emotions. There were some trials, and a letdown here or there. I came back to my apartment feeling really downtrodden- wanting to crawl in to bed, and not come out until Saturday rolled around. But then, just like that, it all changed. Lindsay had a c-section today. And just like that, I have another baby cousin.
It was upon hearing this news that my mood shifted. No matter how sad I was feeling, or how badly I wanted to throw a pity party fr myself, I couldn't help but smile. This little, beautiful life was brought into the world today. She is something pure, and full of all the hope of the world. She has every opportunity at her tiny fingertips. And it is this fact that made me realize: no matter how I may be feeling, there is always going to be something to make me smile. My family, my friends, the love of someone new coming into this world. I'm still trying to figure out my feelings, trying to figure out where I stand, and how to correct the mistakes I've made in the past. But as for now, fact of the matter is I am where I am. This is where my path has lead me, and it will be just another chapter in the history of my life.
John Lennon once said "don't you know it's gonna be alright." And you know what? It just might be. Until then, I'll just have to remember to breathe and take some baby steps.
Monday, July 6, 2009
something there that wasn't there before
I feel like faith is something that grows over time. It's a part of life that can be forgotten if you choose to; but if you ever feel the need to go back to it, the feelings can take a while to return. I believe in certain things in life. I know that there is more than this world, and I know that if I make it to Heaven there will be many members of my family waiting for me, waiting to welcome me home. I believe that there is something more than this world; I believe that there has to be. I believe that there is someone watching over me, and I believe that despite the past years of doubt, I will be loved and welcome back into this family.
This path is not something that I take lightly, and I think I understand where this push towards faith is coming from. When you lose someone, that hurt does not just go away. The feelings need to be channeled somewhere. The pain, hurt, and excess love that I feel in me, they need to be dispersed somehow. My faith is not something that I take lightly. It isn't even something that I talk about freely, or ever. I have not mentioned feelings like these in a very long while. I nee to now though. I feel like if there were a right time to give my faith another shot, it is now. Because I need to have faith in something bigger than all of this. This can't just be it. I need to believe that the things we do, and the things that happen around us, I need to believe that they are part of a bigger plan. I need to know that one day I will have the answers to my questions. Because I need to know that this all was for something. In the end, I will need to know that my blind faith is worth something, and that it has gotten me somewhere. And while I am willing t admit that I am ready to believe again, I need those around me to use a steady and rather gentle guiding hand as I try and find my own way.
"If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing." 1 Corinthians 13:2
This path is not something that I take lightly, and I think I understand where this push towards faith is coming from. When you lose someone, that hurt does not just go away. The feelings need to be channeled somewhere. The pain, hurt, and excess love that I feel in me, they need to be dispersed somehow. My faith is not something that I take lightly. It isn't even something that I talk about freely, or ever. I have not mentioned feelings like these in a very long while. I nee to now though. I feel like if there were a right time to give my faith another shot, it is now. Because I need to have faith in something bigger than all of this. This can't just be it. I need to believe that the things we do, and the things that happen around us, I need to believe that they are part of a bigger plan. I need to know that one day I will have the answers to my questions. Because I need to know that this all was for something. In the end, I will need to know that my blind faith is worth something, and that it has gotten me somewhere. And while I am willing t admit that I am ready to believe again, I need those around me to use a steady and rather gentle guiding hand as I try and find my own way.
"If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing." 1 Corinthians 13:2
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