When I was younger, I was capable of living my life with this sort of reckless abandon. Enough respect for authority to know what the rules were, but enough rebellion in me to think that they didn't really apply to myself or my friends. Enough courtesy to never overstep my bounds too much, but enough confidence to be able to walk into a room and simply own it. There's no other way to explain it. We came from a small town and the way we saw it we could get away with a lot.
There's a certain sort of confidence that comes with being with the same people day in and day out. We had the right connections, knew where to go to stay out of trouble, and who to call when we were looking for just enough. Those were the days that I used to smirk. In all honesty I had it made. I used to smirk, and when we were all together, I'll admit: I used to strut... we all did. Those days were filled with sun-kissed shoulders, awkward soccer tans, and laughter that you could hear from halfway down the beach.
No matter how hard we tried days like those couldn't last forever, but those girls will always hold an amazing place in my heart. I think when we began to drift apart they all took a little piece of me with them. Some swagger here, a little strut there; piece by piece my confidence gone. What's left now of me is this person who is trying to hold on to what I have left. I'm not trying to make you think that I have no confidence in myself. On the contrary, I happen to think that at times I can be quite capable. What it takes for me, however, is just a little time, to muster some courage.
So today, when two of my best friends told me that I needed to do something, it took me by surprise. I haven't the confidence that I once carried in myself. Where did it go? Did I leave it back home with my friends for safe keeping? I always seem to find it when we make our way back to each other, but down here in San Diego, I need some time. It has been almost four years since I've put myself out there for something that I have really wanted. Being afraid is part of life. I understand this. But what I want most from my life, is to able to live with that reckless abandon again. Wild at heart. Yet responsible this time around.
"Be reckless enough to gamble all or nothing on following your dreams."
Just give me a little time to build up the courage.
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