I am not into the idea of living without you

He doesn't think I heard it, but I did. On the phone today, with the strongest man I know, I heard his heart break. When you come from a family like mine, love is never too far from where you are. And when one of us is hurting, there are times when you can only feel helpless no matter how hard you try to think of ways to save this person.

No matter how hard I try, I can't think of any ways to save you. I want to with all my might, with all my love. I would bargain with God. Offer my life up for yours. Just so that you could see many more days on this Earth. I would change my life, change the person that I am, if it would only keep you here with us. I don't know what to do, what to say to make that happen. I cannot have this happen again. I cannot go through this again. I don't want to. They told me that life wasn't going to play fair, but does she really have to make her game this conniving?

For situations like this, I find myself having no words. And words tend to flow from my fingers when I'm feeling the way I am right now. But what do I have to do with any of this? What about your wife? You children? Your sister? What about my dad? And my uncles? What are they going to do? What are we going to do? That is the only question that I can seem to think of. Summer vacations don't seem as appealing as they used to. Who will initiate games of Tripoley and ask the underage-ers to get him another beer out of the cooler? There is no one that seems to have as much life as you do. I could never see you the way that they tell me you are now. You have been the constant. Always laughing, making jokes, creating jokes, and keeping a collective smile on the face of the family.

My heart is breaking. Not because you will not be here to give us these things, but because I cannot seem to find a way to give them back to you. Just one more laugh, one more hug, one more kiss on top of my head. You are a super hero to me. You always have been. When I look at you, I see so much more than family. I see laughter. I see tradition. I see my father's best friend, and the type of bond that I only hope to have with someone in my life one day. You are infallible. You are the strongest person that I have ever seen. You make the most awkward situations into the funniest of my life.

I don't want to let go. I don't want to figure out how I do that when the time comes. I have been trying to keep this in and I can't anymore. I never realized how big a part you are of my life, and I never even knew. You are so many things to me, to our family. You mean too much to us, to me. And I never knew enough to tell you. I love you and I feel so blessed for the love, the laughter, and the memories that you have given us. But I am not ready to say goodbye. Honestly, I don't think any of us are.