our lives are made, in these small hours

Right now, there's nothing she wouldn't give for a long, hot summer: mason jars filled with iced tea, sunsets over vast rolling hills, and the sound of B.B. King drifting to her ears from a radio on the back porch. In all honesty, it's the way she pictures perfection. There would be a porch that wraps entirely around a Craftsman style house. There would be a swing hanging from an old oak tree where she could sit and watch the sun rise every morning. And a garden. It would be filled with bell peppers, cucumbers, strawberries; everything a girl could ask for.

She's ready for this. Ready to be done, and have that those wonderful years ahead of her. It's what she's always wanted. Call her cliche but she has always admitted that at the end of the day all she wants is that white picket fence. Even if it means that she has to build and paint it herself. And she's coming to realize that that might be more and more of a possibility.

It was two nights ago when the feeling took her by surprise. It was rather late at night, or really early in the morning, she can't remember. And even though she had just finished a conversation and it was still fresh in her mind, she had never felt more alone in her life. Her ears were still warm from when she had last heard her friend's voice. It was a voice that generally meant comfort and support. The last words were still hanging in the air, and she could barely breathe. She rolled over, faced a wall, and tried to sort through the thoughts in her head: Do I feel alone because everyone is asleep now? Do I feel this way because I can realize that I am pushing people away? Is it because the people that I'm not pushing away, don't want to be let in?

In all honesty, she still hasn't figured it out. The feeling has faded but her memory of it's sharp, surprising pain is still fresh in her mind. It's a feeling that she wouldn't wish for anyone to have to experience. But she will figure it out. Thinking is not such a bad thing. Her thinking is what will get her through this. And in the end, she knows that she won't feel so alone.