punched at every corner, arms securely bound

I hate to tie. For as long as I can remember, I've hated the feeling of being 'just as good' as someone else. To be honest about it, I really like winning. There's a type of high that comes with knowing you're the best. It may sound smug, or pretentious, but it's the truth. I don't like losing, but I'll take it over tying any day. Its definitive, it's clear, and there are no questions about it. Maybe that's what I hate about tying: you never really know where you do stand. If the ball had just bounced a different way, if we just had more people to help with the banner... there are way too many ifs in that sentence. It's like you're in limbo, and I really hate that.
Tying is frustrating. Mostly because you know that you could have had so much more. Should have thought just one second faster, could have moved one inch to the right, would have stopped him from getting around me. Shoulda. Coulda. Woulda. Ties leave me with too many thoughts in my head, especially when someone forces me to tie. It's like running, repeatedly, into a brick wall. Somehow bouncing back, and taking a running leap at it again. The hopeful child in me thinks that I could break that wall down, knows that I should be able to. It's not that easy when what you want is on the other side, helping the wall to keep it's stance. Maybe that is the most frustrating aspect. Knowing that you're trying, trying as hard as you can conceive... and you don't get anywhere. Sure, there are moments when I can make it around the wall for a little bit. I sneak past, and if I'm lucky I can feel like I'm taking the lead. But the second I step foot outside that door, the wall comes back down and I am once again tied. It's hard when the one thing you want won't let you take the lead. What's a hundred miles? Really, it's nothing. Not even an inch on any standard map. A hundred miles is nothing, and sometimes it means so much. The difference between winning and tying; the difference between home and limbo, between love and lonliness. I'd rather know. I really don't want to force a decision in a situation like this, because I know I would come up empty. But empty is something I can deal with. Empty handed is something I can figure out, and it's something that I can learn from. But for you, and for you alone, I will keep throwing myself at that wall. I'll keep tying, and hope that one of these days I can pull ahead.
Losing is better than tying. It hurts more and there are many more emotions involved, but it's clear. When I lose I know where I stand. I am silent, I collect all these broken thoughts, and I try to put it back together. Usually it works, sometimes it doesn't. Like the other day, when one of my best friends was so sorry. It wasn't her fault, and I tried to rationalize that there was just someone better. There were at least six better than I would have been. And that is alright. If I keep telling myself that, I'll believe it right? I am not mad. I'm not frustrated with this loss, or even happy in it. This has just left me feeling empty. I don't really know where my next step should be. Shuffle right? Straight forward? Steps back, even? I think that back is where I have been going. Retreating into what I think I know. I think that I know certain things about myself. But this loss, it threw me for a loop. I'm not sure how to feel, and because of that I just end up feeling rejected. Maybe I shouldn't have taken it so literally. Maybe I shouldn't have put too much of myself into it. That way, when I was rejected, I wouldn't feel so personal about it. I wouldn't feel like it was me they didn't like, only my ideas. I just wanted to help. I just wanted to do something that I could honestly say wasn't about me. I have faith in what happend, I mean I really don't have any other choice. But how do I shake this feeling of rejection? And why can't I stop asking myself 'When will I be good enough?'

guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all

"The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can."

I've held on to this for almost seven years. I don't know how to let this go. Where do you even begin? Everyone else, they're fine. They've dealt with it, and they've learned how to grow beyond it. It's not that they don't think about her, I know they do; they bring her up in conversation now. They've learned how to use this as part of their growth in life, and it's become a stepping stool for greater things. Greater things for other people. There are times when I know that a certain moment can mean something. I know that there are lessons I can take away from situations, and I swear that I try to. But I feel as thought there is this block. I'm not blaming that on anyone but myself, yet it's hard for me to try and find a way around it. That moment... that cloudy, dismal Saturday morning... that's when I lost my childhood. Things happen in high school, people begin to grow up and change, and that is what is supposed to happen. They grow out of their childhood. To this day, I can't help but feel as though I as banished from it. Pushed out of the nest before I could even conceive the concept of flying.

I'm a stubborn person. I don't ask for help easily, if at all. And when people do give me advice I tend to shine it on, and act like I know best. It's not that I want to forget her, I really don't. But my dad made it very clear. It's time. Mom can't bear to see me dwell like this anymore, and Dad doesn't blame me for anything. So I guess I'm just asking for help; advice that I refuse to shrug off. How do you move on from something like this? How do you accept the fact that no one blames you? They don't care that you're the reason that they couldn't say goodbye. She wouldn't mind that you weren't there. Lauren has constantly told me that she wouldn't have wanted us to see her like that. She's want us to remember her in better days. All I seem to remember is the look on Dad's face when he walked into the kitchen. Seeing his lower lip tremble, and immediately knowing what happened. There were no words for me. Immediately I knew what I had done wrong. I was the reason we didn't see her. I am the reason that Dad did not have the chance to say goodbye to his only sister. It's my fault that that didn't happen, and for the life of me I can't figure out how to find that forgiveness that I've been looking for. So how do I do it? How do you move past grief? When you know it's time, and your father has admitted that he doesn't blame you for anything... How do you move on from that? How do you apologize to someone you can't talk to, and then live your life for them, rather than in the shadow of your grief? How?

from Grey's Anatomy

"Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away. There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance."

hands tied behind my back for nothing

It's all happening. All of these things that I've waited for so long to happen, they are finally coming true. I mean, my mom always told me that being patient will pay off, but I never really believed her. My life is happening. And I really can't be more excited.
I can't believe it's happening. Things can work out. And I can't believe that I have been blessed with parents this amazing! And these people are all standing behind me. I never in my entire life thought that I would be this lucky. I am still in shock. I can't believe it. This is going to be incredible. And I can't believe that it's happening to me.
I've held myself back for a while. I wouldn't let myself go. I wouldn't push myself out there like this. And now, there's nothing holding me back. I can go if I want to. And I have faith that this is all going to work out for the best. I cannot believe it's working out.
I used to believe in Fight Club. I used to believe that "it's not until we've lost everything, that we're free to do anything." To get this, I didn't have to lose anything at all. I just had to be patient, and wait for my turn. My turn is here, and I can't freeking believe it.

screaming to the stars just to feel alive

It's weird to know that your friends are talking about you, even when they don't. Weird to feel that random topic break into the conversation and head straight for your heart. It's almost surreal. But it took me back. Back to my bedroom: sitting on the carpet, at the foot of my bed. Trying to be calm. It wasn't that long ago; and yet it feels like an eternity. All I was looking for was someone who would listen. Someone who would understand even though I hadn't said anything. And like that, five years later, those people are here. They make it easier.
Easier to the point that I know who I can call at two in the morning. For some reason, the idea of him seemed logical. He would know what was happening in my head. And he did. We talked about my loneliness, how I had been surrounded by people and had no idea what to say. How I'm lucky to have so many people, and how he believes I just might be too scared to turn to them. Scared and embarrassed. Embarrassed because turning to someone means that I'm not as put together as I try to be. And talking to him made me know that it's okay. Support like that, it's what gets you through long dives back to your apartment. It's that unconscious love that makes it easier to breathe, and that gets you to tomorrow.

it won't be like this for long

I have something to say, and I really don't know how to say it. I think that it has to do with time; it's been on my mind a lot lately. Probably due to the fact that this is the beginning of my last year. It made me think yesterday that this is also, probably, my last year at State. What happens when I graduate from here? Do I have enough time to do everything that I want to? And when I'm done, will I think that I spent my time doing everything that I wanted to? One of my professors said today: "In college it's not who you are, or what you say, but what you do with your time while you're here." Am I spending it right? I've taken a step back from things, and I've tried to sort through them. I think I know what I think. And I hope that that's enough.

Time passing seems to be one of the things that I can depend on. I feel like it's just ticking away. Slowly but surely. Surely and definitely. But what if definitely wasn't definite? I know that that may make no sense to you, but if I could I would slow this time down completely. I would take back certain things; try to change them if I could. And I know that when someone questions my character, if I could do it again, I would stand up for myself. Tell you that I'm not the kind of girl who acts just to make a scene. And if you think that I am, then you don't know me half as well as you think you do.
But there's no going back in time. There is only forward. One step at a time. A minute which turns into an hour. Hours into days, and then the rest of our lives. Where is my life taking me? I feel as though I've caused myself into a rut, if you will. You spend a while thinking about one particular thing, hoping for it to happen. The next thing you know, time has passed you by. I'm done with wasting my time.
I want to be that girl again; the one that let things come naturally. The one that could sit back and wait to see what life threw at her. But let's just be honest, when have I ever completely been that girl? I like to plan things, to work them in my favor, and in a way that I believe will benefit those around me. But I shouldn't have to work this hard. Not for something like this.

And this is why I'm happy that time is passing. I have the option to stay here. I can do that, and I am lucky enough to have parents that will support that decision with no questions asked. But I am growing up, I am changing. And as time goes by I wonder if this is really the place for me. Where do I fit? And how do I get there, once I've figured that out?

I hope it's gonna make you notice

All I needed was one shooting star. One fleck of dust to pass through the atmosphere and light up the night sky. Who knew flecks of dust could be so beautiful? Who knew that trying to find them could be so fun: laying in the grass of a random park in Santee, leaving a trail of Blue Moon throughout that city, running from sprinklers with two of the people who mean the most to you? It was one of those moments. I stopped at the edge of that dimly lit park to look back at my friends and smile. It was something right out of a movie. But it was life; it was my life. It was one of those moments that you never expect to happen and when it does, well, you can't really believe it.

It's like that night that you finally got the courage to kiss the boy you'd had a crush on since you can't remember when. It makes your giggle to this day. Seeing the dare in your best friend's eyes as you almost caused an accident making a u-turn. Seeing him stop in the middle of that deserted street as you called his name. And feeling his arms reach for one last kiss as you whispered goodnight on his lips. But what it was mostly like was your car rounding that corner, and simultaneously yelling out with excitement with the world's best friend.

I feel like I've been complaining for a while. Things get bad for everyone, not just myself. But when I look back on certain instances like this, I get it now. I'm a lucky kid. I've had these moments that I've been wishing for, I've just been cavalier enough to forget about them. It's on a daily basis that I forget to see all of the amazing things that I am blessed with. And knowing that I've consistently done that makes me feel like a huge jerk.

There have been shooting stars that have passed through my life. And for that I am thankful. These shooting stars help me realize just how lucky I am. Like my best friend. She constantly stands up for me, constantly loves me, even when she knows I'm wrong. In the middle of a panic attack, I know that she's only a phone call away. Like Ken, who reminds me of my dad. Always trying to help other people, and thinking of their needs before his own. He still answers the phone, is still my friend, even when I know that his friendship is too good for me. Like my family, whose love can be more so described as a fireball as opposed to a shooting star. Always in my face, always asking questions, but because they love. That is the greatest gift that I've ever been given. The love of these people. The shooting stars that strike through my life when it is black as night. There are more shooting stars than this in my life. The people that bring the little joys to my life. Sometimes I can't see them because the moon is shining too bright, but I know you're there.

You see Bobby? Love to me is like a shooting star. They're always there. There are some times when it is easier to see than others, and there are moments that this love is just a tiny thing- a small fleck of dust- that ignites when it combines with something else. There will always be shooting stars, just like there will always be love. What we all need to do is lay back in the grass, and give your eyes a little bit to adjust. People may see shooting stars before you do, but if you're patient and you take a deep breath, they will come to you. And in the end, we'll all know the excitement that comes when our night sky lights up.

"They're shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, fleeting glimpse of eternity..." --Walt Whitman