screaming to the stars just to feel alive

It's weird to know that your friends are talking about you, even when they don't. Weird to feel that random topic break into the conversation and head straight for your heart. It's almost surreal. But it took me back. Back to my bedroom: sitting on the carpet, at the foot of my bed. Trying to be calm. It wasn't that long ago; and yet it feels like an eternity. All I was looking for was someone who would listen. Someone who would understand even though I hadn't said anything. And like that, five years later, those people are here. They make it easier.
Easier to the point that I know who I can call at two in the morning. For some reason, the idea of him seemed logical. He would know what was happening in my head. And he did. We talked about my loneliness, how I had been surrounded by people and had no idea what to say. How I'm lucky to have so many people, and how he believes I just might be too scared to turn to them. Scared and embarrassed. Embarrassed because turning to someone means that I'm not as put together as I try to be. And talking to him made me know that it's okay. Support like that, it's what gets you through long dives back to your apartment. It's that unconscious love that makes it easier to breathe, and that gets you to tomorrow.

it won't be like this for long

I have something to say, and I really don't know how to say it. I think that it has to do with time; it's been on my mind a lot lately. Probably due to the fact that this is the beginning of my last year. It made me think yesterday that this is also, probably, my last year at State. What happens when I graduate from here? Do I have enough time to do everything that I want to? And when I'm done, will I think that I spent my time doing everything that I wanted to? One of my professors said today: "In college it's not who you are, or what you say, but what you do with your time while you're here." Am I spending it right? I've taken a step back from things, and I've tried to sort through them. I think I know what I think. And I hope that that's enough.

Time passing seems to be one of the things that I can depend on. I feel like it's just ticking away. Slowly but surely. Surely and definitely. But what if definitely wasn't definite? I know that that may make no sense to you, but if I could I would slow this time down completely. I would take back certain things; try to change them if I could. And I know that when someone questions my character, if I could do it again, I would stand up for myself. Tell you that I'm not the kind of girl who acts just to make a scene. And if you think that I am, then you don't know me half as well as you think you do.
But there's no going back in time. There is only forward. One step at a time. A minute which turns into an hour. Hours into days, and then the rest of our lives. Where is my life taking me? I feel as though I've caused myself into a rut, if you will. You spend a while thinking about one particular thing, hoping for it to happen. The next thing you know, time has passed you by. I'm done with wasting my time.
I want to be that girl again; the one that let things come naturally. The one that could sit back and wait to see what life threw at her. But let's just be honest, when have I ever completely been that girl? I like to plan things, to work them in my favor, and in a way that I believe will benefit those around me. But I shouldn't have to work this hard. Not for something like this.

And this is why I'm happy that time is passing. I have the option to stay here. I can do that, and I am lucky enough to have parents that will support that decision with no questions asked. But I am growing up, I am changing. And as time goes by I wonder if this is really the place for me. Where do I fit? And how do I get there, once I've figured that out?

I hope it's gonna make you notice

All I needed was one shooting star. One fleck of dust to pass through the atmosphere and light up the night sky. Who knew flecks of dust could be so beautiful? Who knew that trying to find them could be so fun: laying in the grass of a random park in Santee, leaving a trail of Blue Moon throughout that city, running from sprinklers with two of the people who mean the most to you? It was one of those moments. I stopped at the edge of that dimly lit park to look back at my friends and smile. It was something right out of a movie. But it was life; it was my life. It was one of those moments that you never expect to happen and when it does, well, you can't really believe it.

It's like that night that you finally got the courage to kiss the boy you'd had a crush on since you can't remember when. It makes your giggle to this day. Seeing the dare in your best friend's eyes as you almost caused an accident making a u-turn. Seeing him stop in the middle of that deserted street as you called his name. And feeling his arms reach for one last kiss as you whispered goodnight on his lips. But what it was mostly like was your car rounding that corner, and simultaneously yelling out with excitement with the world's best friend.

I feel like I've been complaining for a while. Things get bad for everyone, not just myself. But when I look back on certain instances like this, I get it now. I'm a lucky kid. I've had these moments that I've been wishing for, I've just been cavalier enough to forget about them. It's on a daily basis that I forget to see all of the amazing things that I am blessed with. And knowing that I've consistently done that makes me feel like a huge jerk.

There have been shooting stars that have passed through my life. And for that I am thankful. These shooting stars help me realize just how lucky I am. Like my best friend. She constantly stands up for me, constantly loves me, even when she knows I'm wrong. In the middle of a panic attack, I know that she's only a phone call away. Like Ken, who reminds me of my dad. Always trying to help other people, and thinking of their needs before his own. He still answers the phone, is still my friend, even when I know that his friendship is too good for me. Like my family, whose love can be more so described as a fireball as opposed to a shooting star. Always in my face, always asking questions, but because they love. That is the greatest gift that I've ever been given. The love of these people. The shooting stars that strike through my life when it is black as night. There are more shooting stars than this in my life. The people that bring the little joys to my life. Sometimes I can't see them because the moon is shining too bright, but I know you're there.

You see Bobby? Love to me is like a shooting star. They're always there. There are some times when it is easier to see than others, and there are moments that this love is just a tiny thing- a small fleck of dust- that ignites when it combines with something else. There will always be shooting stars, just like there will always be love. What we all need to do is lay back in the grass, and give your eyes a little bit to adjust. People may see shooting stars before you do, but if you're patient and you take a deep breath, they will come to you. And in the end, we'll all know the excitement that comes when our night sky lights up.

"They're shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, fleeting glimpse of eternity..." --Walt Whitman

let's light up the town, scream out loud

There are often moments in my life that I am struck by certain feelings. These instances are mostly random, and they seem to hit me when I'm least expecting it. Does anyone else have these moments? It's not just me... right? These feelings that I'm talking about, they usually hit me when I'm trying to plan out the next stage of my life. I mostly find them on the road between San Diego and home. Between home, and home. It's hard to describe without sounding rather and completely awkward. The feelings that hit me are mostly just a realization that this is life. You can plan all you want, but this is real life, and curve balls are going to come at you.

Even now, that sounds completely awkward. I can't force these feelings to come, and no matter how hard I try I can't recreate them in myself right now. Random, right? They're not feelings that come from thinking that maybe all this is a dream. It's more like I've been walking around, seeing all this in movie form. And then, suddenly, it hits me. This is real life, and it had repercussions. Those that I've lost will not be here to take a final bow with me as the credits roll, and when people are hurt their feelings are real. See? I told you it was awkward. Most of the time, it doesn't even make sense to me.

However, there are certain things that I am sure of. If my life were a movie, it would have the best soundtrack. My life stars the greatest cast that I would ever care to know. I think that my life would be categorized under 'romantic comedy': sometimes that romance is hard to come by, but the comedy is always there. And when they combine, it tends to be a thing of beauty. If my life were a movie, and I could fast forward to the end, I'd hope to see a happy ending. The hopeless romantic in me wants to ride off into the sunset with the boy. But the free thinker in me knows that I want my own horse. And the independent spirit that I am knows that that particular ending won't come for a while.

So while I'm living my life, my very own life, I've decided to make certain decisions about the way in which I live. I will live for me, and make the decisions that I deem best. Yes, opinions are always welcome, but to be honest I don't know if I'll take them.

I have this bracelet that my sister and I bought from Disneyland. On it, mine says "I wish to live happily ever after." It's a simple wish, really. Just to be happy, and have that at the end of my days. But there's the in between part that gets a little tricky. They say you're not supposed to tell what you wish for; that if you throw a penny into a wishing well, it won't come true if you tell people what you wish for. I believe that my wish requires some effort on my part. I believe that any wish needs some effort to be put into it. So here it is: the person that I am, the little girl who always wanted to have her wishes come true the moment she thought of them, wished for patience. Patience to let things develop on their own time. Patience so that she can relax and just let things happen. Patience so that she could understand that things will happen, life will throw curve balls at you, and in the end to understand that this is real life. And in this life, things happen for a reason. So here's to patience, so that I can understand that while life not be perfect, in the end, it will be worth it.

you can't fence that in....

There's something about my family. They are the thing that I was missing in my life, and I see that now. I am not cut out for being away from them for long periods of time. No matter how much I say that I love my space, there is always something that draws me back to them and to the comfort of their love. It's a certain kind of love; very assured of it's place and how we convey it to each other. These are the ones who can say something that I don't want to hear, and I believe them because I know they are saying the things that I don't even want to think.

That love is the reason why I could sit at that wedding tonight, and believe Laura when she told me that I didn't have to put up with bullshit from any boy. "No matter how long you loved him for, that will never give him the excuse to play around with your heart." The words that I didn't want to think, laid out right in front of me. If messing around with me was going to be the way for you to heal your broken heart, I would have let you. But she saw right through you. One of the most honest women in my life, one of my role models, looked me in the eye and gave me the courage that she hoped I could have.

It's love like that, that fills the holes in my life and makes me reach for something more. The way in which she looked at me, and told me the one thing that no one else in my family would say. It's this kind of love and support that I have been looking for. The kind that will smack me across the back of my head and make more sense than anything else in the world. And it's that kind of love that only the closest people in my life can give to me. Others, they don't know how to convey it. But these people, the ones I am bound to by so much more than blood, they know me; they understand. Understand, and help me to stand when I feel like I can't on my own. They are the constant in my life, and though there have been some that have left us, I know that their love is what is constant. Constant, and unwavering. And even though I make decisions sometimes that they might not be too sure of, they are always there to hold my hand and give me courage when I can't find it myself. And it is that kind of love that keeps me assured. It is that kind of love that holds me to this place, and it is their faith that makes me sure of the decisions I am making. And while I might not be making any sense whatsoever, I know that they don't care. They are here to help me make sense of it all. And honestly, I'd want nothing else till I die.

"In life, as in baseball, it is the number of times you reach home safely that counts."

when you're fifteen

I can't remember the way her voice sounded when she said my name. I can't remember her laugh. I can't remember the last time I saw her laugh.

Uncle Joe called me kid. He would hug me from the side, and his voice was loud enough that it could fill the entire room with warmth. He was sturdy, and solid, and hard. But comforting, and protective. He was tall, and no matter how old I was I sill barely reached his shoulder. It's his laugh that I remember the most. He loved to laugh; no matter the time, place, or occasion, he was always making jokes or telling stories.

Uncle Vinnie called me toes. I think that's cause Patti did too. He would 'shark-attack' me in Uncle Jon's pool and tell me that each toe had a different flavor, and as I laughed he would nibble them and list them off. Uncle Vinnie was the first person to teach me to like mushrooms, and as I watched him create lunch in my Uncle's kitchen that I first learned that cooking was also an art.

But she was different. It was so long ago, and I was just a child then. It didn't occur to me that I should make an effort to remember these things. And now, sitting here, I can't remember the way my name sounded when you called me. You did thousands upon thousands of times; from the day I was born, until I was fifteen. And I just never knew. I never thought. I always had hope. Always thought just maybe it would go away. Maybe you'd be lucky enough to beat it. But here it sit almost seven years later, and I can't remember your laugh. I can't remember the way your voice sounded when you said my name. And I swear to God, I wish I could.

gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have

When I was younger, I was capable of living my life with this sort of reckless abandon. Enough respect for authority to know what the rules were, but enough rebellion in me to think that they didn't really apply to myself or my friends. Enough courtesy to never overstep my bounds too much, but enough confidence to be able to walk into a room and simply own it. There's no other way to explain it. We came from a small town and the way we saw it we could get away with a lot.

There's a certain sort of confidence that comes with being with the same people day in and day out. We had the right connections, knew where to go to stay out of trouble, and who to call when we were looking for just enough. Those were the days that I used to smirk. In all honesty I had it made. I used to smirk, and when we were all together, I'll admit: I used to strut... we all did. Those days were filled with sun-kissed shoulders, awkward soccer tans, and laughter that you could hear from halfway down the beach.

No matter how hard we tried days like those couldn't last forever, but those girls will always hold an amazing place in my heart. I think when we began to drift apart they all took a little piece of me with them. Some swagger here, a little strut there; piece by piece my confidence gone. What's left now of me is this person who is trying to hold on to what I have left. I'm not trying to make you think that I have no confidence in myself. On the contrary, I happen to think that at times I can be quite capable. What it takes for me, however, is just a little time, to muster some courage.

So today, when two of my best friends told me that I needed to do something, it took me by surprise. I haven't the confidence that I once carried in myself. Where did it go? Did I leave it back home with my friends for safe keeping? I always seem to find it when we make our way back to each other, but down here in San Diego, I need some time. It has been almost four years since I've put myself out there for something that I have really wanted. Being afraid is part of life. I understand this. But what I want most from my life, is to able to live with that reckless abandon again. Wild at heart. Yet responsible this time around.

"Be reckless enough to gamble all or nothing on following your dreams."

Just give me a little time to build up the courage.