how bout you don't...

There is a change coming. The change is here. I just have to figure out how to keep my hands wrapped around it. It would be so easy to keep things the way they were, but that wouldn't be fair to any of us. There is a lot of growing up that needs to be done. And I feel like once that is done, I will look back on all of this and smile. This is for the best. You said it yourself, "This is all going to work out for us. This is all going to be alright." And I really hope that you believe that.

I don't have faith in much. I haven't for a while. It seems to me that there hasn't been much lately for me to have faith in. I want to have it; I want to believe that everything will be alright, and the decisions I am making are for the best. I need to grow up, and I need to learn that the decisions I am making are alright for me. I need to learn to stop validating my life through everyone else's opinion. There are many things that I need to learn. And I feel like this step, well it's the beginning of my education. This education is not found in schools, but it is one that will be paid for.

You know what I would do? If I could, I would leave this town right now. I would leave by myself, and spend the rest of my life driving around the country. I would visit as many small towns, and little cities that I could. I would take pictures, learn from the people, hold a job for a while, and then pick up and leave. My dad used to tell me that his sister never seemed to be around after her boys were grown because she always seemed to have 'travelin feet.' That's what I feel like. I would be contented for the rest of my life to move city to city, country to country, and learn as much as I could. I would give back, in philosophy, in art, in writing, and I would make my life by never settling in one specific place. That is what my dream seems to be. And I hope beyond all hopes that one day it comes true.

but someday, and soon, i'll make you proud

I need to start living life for myself. I always feel as though the decisions I make should be for others, and I really wish that I made the effort to not be so passive. I need to make up my own mind in the sense that I need to decide what is going to be best for me. What is best for me? I don't know how to make that decision without asking others. I need to decide for myself. How do I do that? And how do I stop asking so many questions?

"I'm sorry for tonight. I just want you to know that you have much more going for than you think."
I saved it in my inbox. Drunken works don't mean much, but this sentence here is something I cannot comprehend. I don't have that much. I don't need people to try and prove this to me, I just need someone to show me the way. I need to come to terms with this myself. And I need to figure out how to get some of this 'confidence' that people keep talking about.

The difference for me, I believe, is that while I can have confidence in others, I tend to have but faith in myself. Faith should be stronger. But faith means going out on a limb; trusting in that which you know has not been proven or tested to it's full capacity. Confidence, to me, means that it has been there before and will come back intact and even more full of life than it has before. I have confidence in many things. But my faith... that seems to be stretched a little thin these days.

One of these days, I will find the confidence in myself to trust fully in my faith. It is going to happen; that I can believe. This process though, that is what is going to take a while. I am not perfect, nor do I pretend to be. All I ask now is that you find the patience to bear with me through all of this.

and I''m a part of that

I am imperfect. I make mistakes. And this is definitely something that I am coming to terms with. People may like me, and then again they may not, but I wasn't made for everyone else's amusement. I am myself one hundred percent of the time. I make impulsive, bad decisions but in the end I'm not going to regret them. These people, this place, it's the best time of my life. Even when we're not doing anything, it means something to me. And I'm not going to apologize for that.

People say I think too much, that I'm always in my head. I know that there are situations where I need to not think and let things happen, but that's not necessarily a very responsible thing to do. I like to think. It keeps me calm, and lets me focus on the things that I need to. There is nothing wrong with thinking, or feeling, or being curious. I think too much because I would rather know than spend the rest of my life wondering. And there is nothing wrong with that.

because I love Salinger

Among other things, you'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You're by no means alone on that score, you'll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You'll learn from them - if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry.

I'm just too far from where you are

What it boils down to, is that I want my momma and pappy. I haven't been this scared in a while. I'm not trying at sound all emo. That's not what I'm trying to convey here. This change, this change that I'm going through now, it's definitely needed. I've known that this change was coming. But to see it here, it's nerve-wracking. Something in my life has been constant for the last three years. And now, it's run it's course. Some of you hope it's just for the time being, and maybe it is.... we'll see. But to make this change myself, to take my own fate in my hands... it's tough.

I know that my fate has always been under my control, that it's been in my hands. I guess I just never realized how much it depended on me. It sounds weird to say, but I don't feel like I've ever had this much control over it. And it scares me. Scares me that there won't be someone constantly there; but it'll make me stronger right? I'll be better for it, right? This all seems rather complicated. And I don't quite know how to word it.

After three years, I should feel something right? Even if it's a bad emotion like relief, or happiness, or sadness, anger, disappointment, something... anything. I don't. I don't and can't find myself feeling anything at all. What I do feel is like I'm broken. Like I've waited so long to feel something, and now nothing is coming out. So therefore, I guess all I feel is broken. I would give anything to feel something about this, rather than just feeling like... like... like this. You know I haven't even cried? That's so lame to be upset about, but maybe it's just the natural reaction I've been looking for.