I'm blocked; mentally, emotionally, pure and simple blocked. There are so many thoughts running rampant in my head, and I can make no sense of them. There is no way for me to get them out. I feel that anyone I could tell them to probably doesn't want to hear it. Therefore I am blocked. It's causing a great turmoil inside of me, and in all honesty it will be a while before it goes away.

lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones

And I will try, to fix you. Fix you, and keep you safe. This is all I have ever wanted to be able to give my family, my loved ones. I know that it is impossible for me to do this, for me to constantly keep watch over them all. But if I could, I would try. It's the Holden Caulfield in me. "If a body catch a body coming through the rye." I'd stand there at that edge and try to catch them all. Save them from the fall that we're all heading for. But I know I can't. I know that's how we all grow up. There are some falls hat we are all heading for that make us who we are. We cannot change them, and most of the time they come to us. But if I could, I would be there, trying to save you. Catching you before you hit the ground. Or at least being there to cushion your fall.

I know that there are times that I don't make the best decisions. And there are times when I am not the easiest person to get along with. But I think that I am stubborn because I want the best out of life. The best for the people I love. And I don't know how to convey that. I don't know how to convey that a lot of the time. I will try though, I will try for you. I want to live my life for you, for all of you, with an undying fierceness and passion that will have you never question your place in this world. I want you to know that no matter the time, day, or place, you are loved by at least on person on this Earth. And that person loves you so much more than even she thought possible.

In the end, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to make a difference. I came to terms with the fact that my impact would never be on a global level. But to you all, to the ones around me, to the one's that I've loved, lost, forgotten, or even cut out: I love you. Because despite everything, I still belive that all we need is love. And I belive that having a little more of it in our lives can change the world.

painted this smile on my face to hide my broken heart

I feel done. I am done trying to put up a fight about things, trying to make you see my point of view, and mostly I'm done trying to convince everybody of everything. I feel as though I could lock myself away and be perfectly contented for the rest of my life. I've learned that I don't put up walls to keep people out, and I don't push people away because I don't want them in my life. My walls are there, and I push people behind them, to see who's really going to make the effort. I understand that this isn't healthy, and I understand that I shouldn't require people to constantly prove themselves to me. It's just the way I am. You can't expect me to change overnight.

I am not into the idea of living without you

He doesn't think I heard it, but I did. On the phone today, with the strongest man I know, I heard his heart break. When you come from a family like mine, love is never too far from where you are. And when one of us is hurting, there are times when you can only feel helpless no matter how hard you try to think of ways to save this person.

No matter how hard I try, I can't think of any ways to save you. I want to with all my might, with all my love. I would bargain with God. Offer my life up for yours. Just so that you could see many more days on this Earth. I would change my life, change the person that I am, if it would only keep you here with us. I don't know what to do, what to say to make that happen. I cannot have this happen again. I cannot go through this again. I don't want to. They told me that life wasn't going to play fair, but does she really have to make her game this conniving?

For situations like this, I find myself having no words. And words tend to flow from my fingers when I'm feeling the way I am right now. But what do I have to do with any of this? What about your wife? You children? Your sister? What about my dad? And my uncles? What are they going to do? What are we going to do? That is the only question that I can seem to think of. Summer vacations don't seem as appealing as they used to. Who will initiate games of Tripoley and ask the underage-ers to get him another beer out of the cooler? There is no one that seems to have as much life as you do. I could never see you the way that they tell me you are now. You have been the constant. Always laughing, making jokes, creating jokes, and keeping a collective smile on the face of the family.

My heart is breaking. Not because you will not be here to give us these things, but because I cannot seem to find a way to give them back to you. Just one more laugh, one more hug, one more kiss on top of my head. You are a super hero to me. You always have been. When I look at you, I see so much more than family. I see laughter. I see tradition. I see my father's best friend, and the type of bond that I only hope to have with someone in my life one day. You are infallible. You are the strongest person that I have ever seen. You make the most awkward situations into the funniest of my life.

I don't want to let go. I don't want to figure out how I do that when the time comes. I have been trying to keep this in and I can't anymore. I never realized how big a part you are of my life, and I never even knew. You are so many things to me, to our family. You mean too much to us, to me. And I never knew enough to tell you. I love you and I feel so blessed for the love, the laughter, and the memories that you have given us. But I am not ready to say goodbye. Honestly, I don't think any of us are.

our lives are made, in these small hours

Right now, there's nothing she wouldn't give for a long, hot summer: mason jars filled with iced tea, sunsets over vast rolling hills, and the sound of B.B. King drifting to her ears from a radio on the back porch. In all honesty, it's the way she pictures perfection. There would be a porch that wraps entirely around a Craftsman style house. There would be a swing hanging from an old oak tree where she could sit and watch the sun rise every morning. And a garden. It would be filled with bell peppers, cucumbers, strawberries; everything a girl could ask for.

She's ready for this. Ready to be done, and have that those wonderful years ahead of her. It's what she's always wanted. Call her cliche but she has always admitted that at the end of the day all she wants is that white picket fence. Even if it means that she has to build and paint it herself. And she's coming to realize that that might be more and more of a possibility.

It was two nights ago when the feeling took her by surprise. It was rather late at night, or really early in the morning, she can't remember. And even though she had just finished a conversation and it was still fresh in her mind, she had never felt more alone in her life. Her ears were still warm from when she had last heard her friend's voice. It was a voice that generally meant comfort and support. The last words were still hanging in the air, and she could barely breathe. She rolled over, faced a wall, and tried to sort through the thoughts in her head: Do I feel alone because everyone is asleep now? Do I feel this way because I can realize that I am pushing people away? Is it because the people that I'm not pushing away, don't want to be let in?

In all honesty, she still hasn't figured it out. The feeling has faded but her memory of it's sharp, surprising pain is still fresh in her mind. It's a feeling that she wouldn't wish for anyone to have to experience. But she will figure it out. Thinking is not such a bad thing. Her thinking is what will get her through this. And in the end, she knows that she won't feel so alone.

she laid her heart and soul right in your hands

There was a moment last night that everything seemed to break. Not necessarily break, but shift. The shift was so much so that she seemed to lose her footing, and from that moment on she has been stumbling. Not enough to fall, but enough to make her look around and try to figure out what the hell is going on.

Everything was fine. She was feeling fine, and she was actually happy with the way that everything was going. Now she's coming back to herself and she cannot see how she is this person. This person looking back at her in the mirror is not what she had planned. There were once dreams of greatness. It was success beyond anyone's wildest dreams. Now, those plans have turned to hopes and dreams. And she's so tired of feeling this way. The reflection in the mirror is not what it should be. But it's hard to figure out if the image that she's looking for is the one that she wants to see, or the one that others have told her to look for.

On Saturday night, all she was looking for was a hug. After he left, the rush of emotions was too much... and that's when she began to feel her world shift. It was just enough to make her think twice and force herself to realize that she isn't as fine as she's been telling herself. And, just maybe, all these reasons that she has been giving everyone else... well they just might be the truth. There just might be something there that she needs to work out, and there just might be something wrong that she hadn't realized before. So how was it that she subconsciously knew that this shift in her life was needed?

I'll tell you one thing about her though, she has the best support system that anyone has ever know. So much so that she might not even know she needs help, and they are there. So much so that she can walk into the house, and her best friend will hug her because she knows that that's the only thing in the world she could want at that moment. And it's little things like that, the small gestures, that mean the world to her.

Best friend, boo dawg, you have no idea how much your hug meant to me. There are pictures on my camera of it. And when I saw them this morning, I couldn't help but cry. Thank you for loving me no matter what I do, or what decision I make. Thank you for being able to tell me not to listen to people, and for making time for my awkward phone calls where I don't make any sense at all. Thank you for hugging me enough for two, so much so that I could feel love all the way from Virginia. Thank you for believing that I am not broken, and that there is a greater purpose for this situation. I wish that there were more people in the world like you. It would be a much happier place to live in.

she dreams she's dancing

I believe that when one wants to reinvent herself, she must begin with her hair. Hair can change a person. Blonde is my original: it is where I have come from, and it is the person that I am when I feel most comfortable. It is genuine, it is loving, and it is what makes me feel the most content with myself. When my hair is blonde, it is usually long; as long as I can get it to be. In all honesty, it makes me feel pretty. I am most at home here, and it is also where I am my most vulnerable. When the blonde extensions go in, I am feeling grown up. I am feeling somewhat rather elegant, and I am feeling like I can go anything. When the pink extensions go in I am feeling spunky. I am quirky, and I am feeling like I cannot be touched by the opinions of others. This mostly happens at home. The pink makes me think of summers at home, badminton in the backyard, and the early stages of love. The pink only comes out when I'm feeling very comfortable with myself... and very much like a rebel without a cause.

And then there's the brown; it's a tricky one. I honestly love the brown, more chocolate than dark. I like the way I look with it, even when no one else seems to. They all prefer the blonde. I think subconsciously they know what it means. My momma tells me I'm more striking as a blonde. Which, in all honesty, I'll agree with. The brown keeps me safe, it helps me to fly under the radar. It's like a really big jacket that I pull on, and I'm protected from a lot of things. Brown makes me more sarcastic, a little more quiet, and a lot more contemplative. The brown comes when I want to make a big change in my life. This time, it came after a big change. It comes as part of my reinvention. I know you might think that this is all about my hair, and while it might seem that way, it's so much more than that.

This is my reinvention. This is the most defining moment in my life. This is the first time that I feel as though I have legitimately taken life into my own hands. Into my hands, and out of the temptations of fate. Fate can only take you so far. From here on out, it's me all the way. And that feels so good.