don't you know it's gonna be alright

Everyone keeps saying that it's going to be all right. Everything will work itself out in the end. I need to believe that that. I need to understand that, and have a little faith in the fact the sometimes I don't know what is best. I don't. I need people t guide me, and luckily I have the best friends ad family in the world for that. I made a huge mistake, and I realize that. Sitting here torturing myself about it isn't going to make anything better. Nothing is going to change while I'm sitting here driving myself insane. I can't change everything in the world. I can't always have what I want, no matter how badly I desire it. This is something I need to understand. Until I figure that, I will put the Beatles on shuffle, and let that drown my worries out.

Today was filled with mixed emotions. There were some trials, and a letdown here or there. I came back to my apartment feeling really downtrodden- wanting to crawl in to bed, and not come out until Saturday rolled around. But then, just like that, it all changed. Lindsay had a c-section today. And just like that, I have another baby cousin.

It was upon hearing this news that my mood shifted. No matter how sad I was feeling, or how badly I wanted to throw a pity party fr myself, I couldn't help but smile. This little, beautiful life was brought into the world today. She is something pure, and full of all the hope of the world. She has every opportunity at her tiny fingertips. And it is this fact that made me realize: no matter how I may be feeling, there is always going to be something to make me smile. My family, my friends, the love of someone new coming into this world. I'm still trying to figure out my feelings, trying to figure out where I stand, and how to correct the mistakes I've made in the past. But as for now, fact of the matter is I am where I am. This is where my path has lead me, and it will be just another chapter in the history of my life.

John Lennon once said "don't you know it's gonna be alright." And you know what? It just might be. Until then, I'll just have to remember to breathe and take some baby steps.

something there that wasn't there before

I feel like faith is something that grows over time. It's a part of life that can be forgotten if you choose to; but if you ever feel the need to go back to it, the feelings can take a while to return. I believe in certain things in life. I know that there is more than this world, and I know that if I make it to Heaven there will be many members of my family waiting for me, waiting to welcome me home. I believe that there is something more than this world; I believe that there has to be. I believe that there is someone watching over me, and I believe that despite the past years of doubt, I will be loved and welcome back into this family.

This path is not something that I take lightly, and I think I understand where this push towards faith is coming from. When you lose someone, that hurt does not just go away. The feelings need to be channeled somewhere. The pain, hurt, and excess love that I feel in me, they need to be dispersed somehow. My faith is not something that I take lightly. It isn't even something that I talk about freely, or ever. I have not mentioned feelings like these in a very long while. I nee to now though. I feel like if there were a right time to give my faith another shot, it is now. Because I need to have faith in something bigger than all of this. This can't just be it. I need to believe that the things we do, and the things that happen around us, I need to believe that they are part of a bigger plan. I need to know that one day I will have the answers to my questions. Because I need to know that this all was for something. In the end, I will need to know that my blind faith is worth something, and that it has gotten me somewhere. And while I am willing t admit that I am ready to believe again, I need those around me to use a steady and rather gentle guiding hand as I try and find my own way.

"If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing." 1 Corinthians 13:2

you'll never see me fall apart

For what I can say, Saturday was a great look into the life of the man I didn't know so well. There were so many stories: some that I have heard thousands of times, and others that just made me laugh and shake my head. This is what he wanted: laughter, drinks, friends and family. All of us together, celebrating the life of the man who had such magnetism that you just had to notice him. That's all I've got so far. I'm trying to figure out how to deal with this in my own way.

I can't stand talking about myself like this, like I'm some helpless thing. I mean... yeah, I'm sad. I'm seriously confused, and I don't understand how or why things like this happen. But most of all, I'm angry. Things like this shouldn't happen to people who work so hard, and on top of that try so hard to be good. People like this do not need to be taken from a world like this. And for that, I am angry.

There are seven stages of grief, I understand this. Anger is in there, somewhere around stage three. But More than being angry, I am just confused. I know that this happens to everyone, that the end is a part of life. 'The debt that all men pay.' I guess I just didn't understand how much these people meant to me; I was too young while they were here to understand that I needed to appreciate them. And now it is too late. But that is part of life right?

Ignorance. Foolishness. Loss. Shock, pain, anger. Regret. Hurt. Grieving. Acceptance. Hope.

I strongly believe that there is always hope. No matter how much you have been hurt, or how much you are afraid that something bad is going to happen, hope is always there. It waits for you to grab on to it, and will stay for as long as you hold it. So here's to hope, and the prayer that I won't forget to appreciate from now on.

zip the lip, and take a lap

When I was a kid I was taught that when you run faster, work harder, and think not only broadly but quickly, you will win bigger. The lessons that I learned in my childhood have followed me throughout my life, and on this day I am reminded of the man that taught me.

I did not come by my coach by chance. This was a decision that was made for me by my mother and by the athleticism in my sister that my coach considered to be a family trait. And while it was not my choice that placed me on his team, it was my decisions and trust in this man that kept me there. The years that I played for Joe were always filled with laughter and triumph as he taught my friends and I what success tasted like. Together we learned how eleven different girls could become one cohesive unit, and in turn we taught our coach how a team of rowdy twelve year old's could become a family.

Today, we laid to rest one of the solid figures of my childhood. And though words may not be enough to convey what this man meant to me, and how he shaped the individual that I am today, they stand as a testament to who he was. I stand as a testament to the type of decision maker and ambitious young woman that he hoped for all of his girls to be. Today, I remember you coach; and I thank you for leading me to a life that promises so much more than first place trophies.

you'll be here in my heart

Yesterday, for the second time in my life, I saw my father cry. A long, silent hug. Several forced, deep breaths. And the the struggle of the words that he couldn't bear to say. I knew what was coming. I had been awake for longer than he and my mom thought I had. My bedroom window overlooks the backyard, and I had heard bits and pieces of conversation since the phone call that had woken me up hours before.

"I didn't wake you up, did I?"
"Yeah it's him."
"No, Patti called Mark this morning... Sometime around 4:00."

There are moments like these, defining moments, that can cause you to falter- to question everything in general. There are these people in my life that are more than human to me. They are the people that I want to emulate in my own life, and the ones that I look to to always be constant. But when moments like this come along, it makes it harder to breathe. It makes it harder to trust anything. Most of all, it makes it harder to have faith. To see my dad cry over this, the loss of someone who was undoubtedly one of his favorite people in existence, it changes a person.

So here's to my uncle: a man who would give a 12-year-old a sip of his scotch just because he thought it would be funny; a man who would use family gatherings as a time to teach my dad how to play grand theft auto; a man who, no matter the situation, could put a smile on your face and a certain warmth in your heart; my dad's best friend, and someone that I will regret not knowing better, for the rest of my life.

"Death is not extinguishing the light; it is putting out the lamp because dawn has come." --Tagore

"What do my classmates, and I, need to hear on graduation day?"

Frank Warren, the creator of Post Secret, recently delivered a commencement speech at St. Mary's College of Maryland. In his speech, he sought inspiration from the students and asked them to submit postcards which answered the question: "What do my classmates, and I need to hear on graduation day?" Here are some of the responses...

Be wise enough not to be reckless, but brave enough to take great risks.

No matter how low you consider yourself, there is always someone looking up at you wishing they were that high.

Sometimes it's more than okay to be terrified.

It's okay to be afraid, but don't let that fear hold you back. Instead, have it push you forward, breaking through the barrier you thought was there.

You'll regret the things you didn't do, more than the things you ever did.

Sometimes, the hardest things and the right things are the same.

The darkest hours are the hours in which we discover ourselves.

You will be fine.

If there is ever a tomorrow when we are not together there is something you must always remember: you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think, but most important of all, even if we are apart. I'll always be with you.

I'm blocked; mentally, emotionally, pure and simple blocked. There are so many thoughts running rampant in my head, and I can make no sense of them. There is no way for me to get them out. I feel that anyone I could tell them to probably doesn't want to hear it. Therefore I am blocked. It's causing a great turmoil inside of me, and in all honesty it will be a while before it goes away.