I hope it's gonna make you notice

All I needed was one shooting star. One fleck of dust to pass through the atmosphere and light up the night sky. Who knew flecks of dust could be so beautiful? Who knew that trying to find them could be so fun: laying in the grass of a random park in Santee, leaving a trail of Blue Moon throughout that city, running from sprinklers with two of the people who mean the most to you? It was one of those moments. I stopped at the edge of that dimly lit park to look back at my friends and smile. It was something right out of a movie. But it was life; it was my life. It was one of those moments that you never expect to happen and when it does, well, you can't really believe it.

It's like that night that you finally got the courage to kiss the boy you'd had a crush on since you can't remember when. It makes your giggle to this day. Seeing the dare in your best friend's eyes as you almost caused an accident making a u-turn. Seeing him stop in the middle of that deserted street as you called his name. And feeling his arms reach for one last kiss as you whispered goodnight on his lips. But what it was mostly like was your car rounding that corner, and simultaneously yelling out with excitement with the world's best friend.

I feel like I've been complaining for a while. Things get bad for everyone, not just myself. But when I look back on certain instances like this, I get it now. I'm a lucky kid. I've had these moments that I've been wishing for, I've just been cavalier enough to forget about them. It's on a daily basis that I forget to see all of the amazing things that I am blessed with. And knowing that I've consistently done that makes me feel like a huge jerk.

There have been shooting stars that have passed through my life. And for that I am thankful. These shooting stars help me realize just how lucky I am. Like my best friend. She constantly stands up for me, constantly loves me, even when she knows I'm wrong. In the middle of a panic attack, I know that she's only a phone call away. Like Ken, who reminds me of my dad. Always trying to help other people, and thinking of their needs before his own. He still answers the phone, is still my friend, even when I know that his friendship is too good for me. Like my family, whose love can be more so described as a fireball as opposed to a shooting star. Always in my face, always asking questions, but because they love. That is the greatest gift that I've ever been given. The love of these people. The shooting stars that strike through my life when it is black as night. There are more shooting stars than this in my life. The people that bring the little joys to my life. Sometimes I can't see them because the moon is shining too bright, but I know you're there.

You see Bobby? Love to me is like a shooting star. They're always there. There are some times when it is easier to see than others, and there are moments that this love is just a tiny thing- a small fleck of dust- that ignites when it combines with something else. There will always be shooting stars, just like there will always be love. What we all need to do is lay back in the grass, and give your eyes a little bit to adjust. People may see shooting stars before you do, but if you're patient and you take a deep breath, they will come to you. And in the end, we'll all know the excitement that comes when our night sky lights up.

"They're shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, fleeting glimpse of eternity..." --Walt Whitman

let's light up the town, scream out loud

There are often moments in my life that I am struck by certain feelings. These instances are mostly random, and they seem to hit me when I'm least expecting it. Does anyone else have these moments? It's not just me... right? These feelings that I'm talking about, they usually hit me when I'm trying to plan out the next stage of my life. I mostly find them on the road between San Diego and home. Between home, and home. It's hard to describe without sounding rather and completely awkward. The feelings that hit me are mostly just a realization that this is life. You can plan all you want, but this is real life, and curve balls are going to come at you.

Even now, that sounds completely awkward. I can't force these feelings to come, and no matter how hard I try I can't recreate them in myself right now. Random, right? They're not feelings that come from thinking that maybe all this is a dream. It's more like I've been walking around, seeing all this in movie form. And then, suddenly, it hits me. This is real life, and it had repercussions. Those that I've lost will not be here to take a final bow with me as the credits roll, and when people are hurt their feelings are real. See? I told you it was awkward. Most of the time, it doesn't even make sense to me.

However, there are certain things that I am sure of. If my life were a movie, it would have the best soundtrack. My life stars the greatest cast that I would ever care to know. I think that my life would be categorized under 'romantic comedy': sometimes that romance is hard to come by, but the comedy is always there. And when they combine, it tends to be a thing of beauty. If my life were a movie, and I could fast forward to the end, I'd hope to see a happy ending. The hopeless romantic in me wants to ride off into the sunset with the boy. But the free thinker in me knows that I want my own horse. And the independent spirit that I am knows that that particular ending won't come for a while.

So while I'm living my life, my very own life, I've decided to make certain decisions about the way in which I live. I will live for me, and make the decisions that I deem best. Yes, opinions are always welcome, but to be honest I don't know if I'll take them.

I have this bracelet that my sister and I bought from Disneyland. On it, mine says "I wish to live happily ever after." It's a simple wish, really. Just to be happy, and have that at the end of my days. But there's the in between part that gets a little tricky. They say you're not supposed to tell what you wish for; that if you throw a penny into a wishing well, it won't come true if you tell people what you wish for. I believe that my wish requires some effort on my part. I believe that any wish needs some effort to be put into it. So here it is: the person that I am, the little girl who always wanted to have her wishes come true the moment she thought of them, wished for patience. Patience to let things develop on their own time. Patience so that she can relax and just let things happen. Patience so that she could understand that things will happen, life will throw curve balls at you, and in the end to understand that this is real life. And in this life, things happen for a reason. So here's to patience, so that I can understand that while life not be perfect, in the end, it will be worth it.

you can't fence that in....

There's something about my family. They are the thing that I was missing in my life, and I see that now. I am not cut out for being away from them for long periods of time. No matter how much I say that I love my space, there is always something that draws me back to them and to the comfort of their love. It's a certain kind of love; very assured of it's place and how we convey it to each other. These are the ones who can say something that I don't want to hear, and I believe them because I know they are saying the things that I don't even want to think.

That love is the reason why I could sit at that wedding tonight, and believe Laura when she told me that I didn't have to put up with bullshit from any boy. "No matter how long you loved him for, that will never give him the excuse to play around with your heart." The words that I didn't want to think, laid out right in front of me. If messing around with me was going to be the way for you to heal your broken heart, I would have let you. But she saw right through you. One of the most honest women in my life, one of my role models, looked me in the eye and gave me the courage that she hoped I could have.

It's love like that, that fills the holes in my life and makes me reach for something more. The way in which she looked at me, and told me the one thing that no one else in my family would say. It's this kind of love and support that I have been looking for. The kind that will smack me across the back of my head and make more sense than anything else in the world. And it's that kind of love that only the closest people in my life can give to me. Others, they don't know how to convey it. But these people, the ones I am bound to by so much more than blood, they know me; they understand. Understand, and help me to stand when I feel like I can't on my own. They are the constant in my life, and though there have been some that have left us, I know that their love is what is constant. Constant, and unwavering. And even though I make decisions sometimes that they might not be too sure of, they are always there to hold my hand and give me courage when I can't find it myself. And it is that kind of love that keeps me assured. It is that kind of love that holds me to this place, and it is their faith that makes me sure of the decisions I am making. And while I might not be making any sense whatsoever, I know that they don't care. They are here to help me make sense of it all. And honestly, I'd want nothing else till I die.

"In life, as in baseball, it is the number of times you reach home safely that counts."

when you're fifteen

I can't remember the way her voice sounded when she said my name. I can't remember her laugh. I can't remember the last time I saw her laugh.

Uncle Joe called me kid. He would hug me from the side, and his voice was loud enough that it could fill the entire room with warmth. He was sturdy, and solid, and hard. But comforting, and protective. He was tall, and no matter how old I was I sill barely reached his shoulder. It's his laugh that I remember the most. He loved to laugh; no matter the time, place, or occasion, he was always making jokes or telling stories.

Uncle Vinnie called me toes. I think that's cause Patti did too. He would 'shark-attack' me in Uncle Jon's pool and tell me that each toe had a different flavor, and as I laughed he would nibble them and list them off. Uncle Vinnie was the first person to teach me to like mushrooms, and as I watched him create lunch in my Uncle's kitchen that I first learned that cooking was also an art.

But she was different. It was so long ago, and I was just a child then. It didn't occur to me that I should make an effort to remember these things. And now, sitting here, I can't remember the way my name sounded when you called me. You did thousands upon thousands of times; from the day I was born, until I was fifteen. And I just never knew. I never thought. I always had hope. Always thought just maybe it would go away. Maybe you'd be lucky enough to beat it. But here it sit almost seven years later, and I can't remember your laugh. I can't remember the way your voice sounded when you said my name. And I swear to God, I wish I could.

gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have

When I was younger, I was capable of living my life with this sort of reckless abandon. Enough respect for authority to know what the rules were, but enough rebellion in me to think that they didn't really apply to myself or my friends. Enough courtesy to never overstep my bounds too much, but enough confidence to be able to walk into a room and simply own it. There's no other way to explain it. We came from a small town and the way we saw it we could get away with a lot.

There's a certain sort of confidence that comes with being with the same people day in and day out. We had the right connections, knew where to go to stay out of trouble, and who to call when we were looking for just enough. Those were the days that I used to smirk. In all honesty I had it made. I used to smirk, and when we were all together, I'll admit: I used to strut... we all did. Those days were filled with sun-kissed shoulders, awkward soccer tans, and laughter that you could hear from halfway down the beach.

No matter how hard we tried days like those couldn't last forever, but those girls will always hold an amazing place in my heart. I think when we began to drift apart they all took a little piece of me with them. Some swagger here, a little strut there; piece by piece my confidence gone. What's left now of me is this person who is trying to hold on to what I have left. I'm not trying to make you think that I have no confidence in myself. On the contrary, I happen to think that at times I can be quite capable. What it takes for me, however, is just a little time, to muster some courage.

So today, when two of my best friends told me that I needed to do something, it took me by surprise. I haven't the confidence that I once carried in myself. Where did it go? Did I leave it back home with my friends for safe keeping? I always seem to find it when we make our way back to each other, but down here in San Diego, I need some time. It has been almost four years since I've put myself out there for something that I have really wanted. Being afraid is part of life. I understand this. But what I want most from my life, is to able to live with that reckless abandon again. Wild at heart. Yet responsible this time around.

"Be reckless enough to gamble all or nothing on following your dreams."

Just give me a little time to build up the courage.

don't you know it's gonna be alright

Everyone keeps saying that it's going to be all right. Everything will work itself out in the end. I need to believe that that. I need to understand that, and have a little faith in the fact the sometimes I don't know what is best. I don't. I need people t guide me, and luckily I have the best friends ad family in the world for that. I made a huge mistake, and I realize that. Sitting here torturing myself about it isn't going to make anything better. Nothing is going to change while I'm sitting here driving myself insane. I can't change everything in the world. I can't always have what I want, no matter how badly I desire it. This is something I need to understand. Until I figure that, I will put the Beatles on shuffle, and let that drown my worries out.

Today was filled with mixed emotions. There were some trials, and a letdown here or there. I came back to my apartment feeling really downtrodden- wanting to crawl in to bed, and not come out until Saturday rolled around. But then, just like that, it all changed. Lindsay had a c-section today. And just like that, I have another baby cousin.

It was upon hearing this news that my mood shifted. No matter how sad I was feeling, or how badly I wanted to throw a pity party fr myself, I couldn't help but smile. This little, beautiful life was brought into the world today. She is something pure, and full of all the hope of the world. She has every opportunity at her tiny fingertips. And it is this fact that made me realize: no matter how I may be feeling, there is always going to be something to make me smile. My family, my friends, the love of someone new coming into this world. I'm still trying to figure out my feelings, trying to figure out where I stand, and how to correct the mistakes I've made in the past. But as for now, fact of the matter is I am where I am. This is where my path has lead me, and it will be just another chapter in the history of my life.

John Lennon once said "don't you know it's gonna be alright." And you know what? It just might be. Until then, I'll just have to remember to breathe and take some baby steps.

something there that wasn't there before

I feel like faith is something that grows over time. It's a part of life that can be forgotten if you choose to; but if you ever feel the need to go back to it, the feelings can take a while to return. I believe in certain things in life. I know that there is more than this world, and I know that if I make it to Heaven there will be many members of my family waiting for me, waiting to welcome me home. I believe that there is something more than this world; I believe that there has to be. I believe that there is someone watching over me, and I believe that despite the past years of doubt, I will be loved and welcome back into this family.

This path is not something that I take lightly, and I think I understand where this push towards faith is coming from. When you lose someone, that hurt does not just go away. The feelings need to be channeled somewhere. The pain, hurt, and excess love that I feel in me, they need to be dispersed somehow. My faith is not something that I take lightly. It isn't even something that I talk about freely, or ever. I have not mentioned feelings like these in a very long while. I nee to now though. I feel like if there were a right time to give my faith another shot, it is now. Because I need to have faith in something bigger than all of this. This can't just be it. I need to believe that the things we do, and the things that happen around us, I need to believe that they are part of a bigger plan. I need to know that one day I will have the answers to my questions. Because I need to know that this all was for something. In the end, I will need to know that my blind faith is worth something, and that it has gotten me somewhere. And while I am willing t admit that I am ready to believe again, I need those around me to use a steady and rather gentle guiding hand as I try and find my own way.

"If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing." 1 Corinthians 13:2