others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars

I was fighting a losing battle. From the moment that you wrapped me in your coat and held me in the snow, I was a goner. This wasn't the reason that I left. I went to find something but I really believe that the something I was looking for was me. I never expected to find you, or anything like it. And as such, I never expected you to follow me back here. I never thought that you would actually call, that we would actually go to dinner, that you actually wanted something beyond a simple European romance. But here I am: holding your hand, having study dates in the library, hanging out with your roommates... fighting a losing battle.

So the other day I thought about it. You were laying next to me, dozing in and out of consciousness, and I couldn't help but think about what things would be like with you. I couldn't help but be astonished about the way things are with you. You said it yourself. "I really can't believe the way things have worked out. It's really like something out of a movie." Well kid, I agree. Things like this, they don't happen in real life. You don't meet someone in Oxford, kiss them on top of the Eiffel Tower, and then bring them back home. I am so amazed at the way things have worked out. This type of fall, it's the kind that books are written about. I never knew that something like this could progress the way that it has. It's almost too good for words, almost too good for anything.

So I gave up fighting a losing battle. I was never going to win in the first place. There was no way for me to come out of this situation in any way but pieces. But there's the beauty in it. The pieces that I have aren't these broken, shattered things that I have known from before. These pieces are separate but intertwined. They each belong to a single person, but the make up the person that I am. And now, there is a piece for you. It's one of the biggest parts, really, and it's yours if you'll have it. It's the piece that makes me smile every time you walk into a room. It's the piece that warms my body entirely with every hug, every smile, and every look that comes from you.

"So lay here beside me, just hold me, and don't let go. This feeling I'm feeling is something I've never known."

So I guess what I'm really trying to say is, I love you. I think you might know, just like I think you might have said it this morning. But since I can't find it in myself to say it to you yet, I'll say it here. I think that you have a laugh that can make the entire room warm. Your eyes are some kind of ridiculous blue that are so deep, but they are filled with fireworks. There's something so comforting about the way you smell. It reminds me of a million memories that we've yet to experience. When you tuck me in at night, it feels like home. Like the warmth radiating from you is a million times greater than any warmth that would be given by all the blankets in the world. You are warm. You are my comfortable place in the world. You are safety. And in spite of all of these things that I am not... you are mine.

I'm terrified of what you'd say to me if you knew just how much I feel for you. I know that I shouldn't. I think that people put a certain time limit on things like this. Don't say it too early. Don't wait until it's too late. Where's the middle ground? I guess it's here. I'll say it here, whisper to myself while you sleep, yell it in my mind as you stare at me over the top of your computer screen. Who knows when it's appropriate to say? I don't. But like I said before, I've given up. I'm not fighting this losing battle any more. My heart is yours, to fill or burst, break or bury, or wear as jewelery; whichever you prefer.

punched at every corner, arms securely bound

I hate to tie. For as long as I can remember, I've hated the feeling of being 'just as good' as someone else. To be honest about it, I really like winning. There's a type of high that comes with knowing you're the best. It may sound smug, or pretentious, but it's the truth. I don't like losing, but I'll take it over tying any day. Its definitive, it's clear, and there are no questions about it. Maybe that's what I hate about tying: you never really know where you do stand. If the ball had just bounced a different way, if we just had more people to help with the banner... there are way too many ifs in that sentence. It's like you're in limbo, and I really hate that.
Tying is frustrating. Mostly because you know that you could have had so much more. Should have thought just one second faster, could have moved one inch to the right, would have stopped him from getting around me. Shoulda. Coulda. Woulda. Ties leave me with too many thoughts in my head, especially when someone forces me to tie. It's like running, repeatedly, into a brick wall. Somehow bouncing back, and taking a running leap at it again. The hopeful child in me thinks that I could break that wall down, knows that I should be able to. It's not that easy when what you want is on the other side, helping the wall to keep it's stance. Maybe that is the most frustrating aspect. Knowing that you're trying, trying as hard as you can conceive... and you don't get anywhere. Sure, there are moments when I can make it around the wall for a little bit. I sneak past, and if I'm lucky I can feel like I'm taking the lead. But the second I step foot outside that door, the wall comes back down and I am once again tied. It's hard when the one thing you want won't let you take the lead. What's a hundred miles? Really, it's nothing. Not even an inch on any standard map. A hundred miles is nothing, and sometimes it means so much. The difference between winning and tying; the difference between home and limbo, between love and lonliness. I'd rather know. I really don't want to force a decision in a situation like this, because I know I would come up empty. But empty is something I can deal with. Empty handed is something I can figure out, and it's something that I can learn from. But for you, and for you alone, I will keep throwing myself at that wall. I'll keep tying, and hope that one of these days I can pull ahead.
Losing is better than tying. It hurts more and there are many more emotions involved, but it's clear. When I lose I know where I stand. I am silent, I collect all these broken thoughts, and I try to put it back together. Usually it works, sometimes it doesn't. Like the other day, when one of my best friends was so sorry. It wasn't her fault, and I tried to rationalize that there was just someone better. There were at least six better than I would have been. And that is alright. If I keep telling myself that, I'll believe it right? I am not mad. I'm not frustrated with this loss, or even happy in it. This has just left me feeling empty. I don't really know where my next step should be. Shuffle right? Straight forward? Steps back, even? I think that back is where I have been going. Retreating into what I think I know. I think that I know certain things about myself. But this loss, it threw me for a loop. I'm not sure how to feel, and because of that I just end up feeling rejected. Maybe I shouldn't have taken it so literally. Maybe I shouldn't have put too much of myself into it. That way, when I was rejected, I wouldn't feel so personal about it. I wouldn't feel like it was me they didn't like, only my ideas. I just wanted to help. I just wanted to do something that I could honestly say wasn't about me. I have faith in what happend, I mean I really don't have any other choice. But how do I shake this feeling of rejection? And why can't I stop asking myself 'When will I be good enough?'

guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all

"The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can."

I've held on to this for almost seven years. I don't know how to let this go. Where do you even begin? Everyone else, they're fine. They've dealt with it, and they've learned how to grow beyond it. It's not that they don't think about her, I know they do; they bring her up in conversation now. They've learned how to use this as part of their growth in life, and it's become a stepping stool for greater things. Greater things for other people. There are times when I know that a certain moment can mean something. I know that there are lessons I can take away from situations, and I swear that I try to. But I feel as thought there is this block. I'm not blaming that on anyone but myself, yet it's hard for me to try and find a way around it. That moment... that cloudy, dismal Saturday morning... that's when I lost my childhood. Things happen in high school, people begin to grow up and change, and that is what is supposed to happen. They grow out of their childhood. To this day, I can't help but feel as though I as banished from it. Pushed out of the nest before I could even conceive the concept of flying.

I'm a stubborn person. I don't ask for help easily, if at all. And when people do give me advice I tend to shine it on, and act like I know best. It's not that I want to forget her, I really don't. But my dad made it very clear. It's time. Mom can't bear to see me dwell like this anymore, and Dad doesn't blame me for anything. So I guess I'm just asking for help; advice that I refuse to shrug off. How do you move on from something like this? How do you accept the fact that no one blames you? They don't care that you're the reason that they couldn't say goodbye. She wouldn't mind that you weren't there. Lauren has constantly told me that she wouldn't have wanted us to see her like that. She's want us to remember her in better days. All I seem to remember is the look on Dad's face when he walked into the kitchen. Seeing his lower lip tremble, and immediately knowing what happened. There were no words for me. Immediately I knew what I had done wrong. I was the reason we didn't see her. I am the reason that Dad did not have the chance to say goodbye to his only sister. It's my fault that that didn't happen, and for the life of me I can't figure out how to find that forgiveness that I've been looking for. So how do I do it? How do you move past grief? When you know it's time, and your father has admitted that he doesn't blame you for anything... How do you move on from that? How do you apologize to someone you can't talk to, and then live your life for them, rather than in the shadow of your grief? How?

from Grey's Anatomy

"Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away. There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance."

hands tied behind my back for nothing

It's all happening. All of these things that I've waited for so long to happen, they are finally coming true. I mean, my mom always told me that being patient will pay off, but I never really believed her. My life is happening. And I really can't be more excited.
I can't believe it's happening. Things can work out. And I can't believe that I have been blessed with parents this amazing! And these people are all standing behind me. I never in my entire life thought that I would be this lucky. I am still in shock. I can't believe it. This is going to be incredible. And I can't believe that it's happening to me.
I've held myself back for a while. I wouldn't let myself go. I wouldn't push myself out there like this. And now, there's nothing holding me back. I can go if I want to. And I have faith that this is all going to work out for the best. I cannot believe it's working out.
I used to believe in Fight Club. I used to believe that "it's not until we've lost everything, that we're free to do anything." To get this, I didn't have to lose anything at all. I just had to be patient, and wait for my turn. My turn is here, and I can't freeking believe it.

screaming to the stars just to feel alive

It's weird to know that your friends are talking about you, even when they don't. Weird to feel that random topic break into the conversation and head straight for your heart. It's almost surreal. But it took me back. Back to my bedroom: sitting on the carpet, at the foot of my bed. Trying to be calm. It wasn't that long ago; and yet it feels like an eternity. All I was looking for was someone who would listen. Someone who would understand even though I hadn't said anything. And like that, five years later, those people are here. They make it easier.
Easier to the point that I know who I can call at two in the morning. For some reason, the idea of him seemed logical. He would know what was happening in my head. And he did. We talked about my loneliness, how I had been surrounded by people and had no idea what to say. How I'm lucky to have so many people, and how he believes I just might be too scared to turn to them. Scared and embarrassed. Embarrassed because turning to someone means that I'm not as put together as I try to be. And talking to him made me know that it's okay. Support like that, it's what gets you through long dives back to your apartment. It's that unconscious love that makes it easier to breathe, and that gets you to tomorrow.

it won't be like this for long

I have something to say, and I really don't know how to say it. I think that it has to do with time; it's been on my mind a lot lately. Probably due to the fact that this is the beginning of my last year. It made me think yesterday that this is also, probably, my last year at State. What happens when I graduate from here? Do I have enough time to do everything that I want to? And when I'm done, will I think that I spent my time doing everything that I wanted to? One of my professors said today: "In college it's not who you are, or what you say, but what you do with your time while you're here." Am I spending it right? I've taken a step back from things, and I've tried to sort through them. I think I know what I think. And I hope that that's enough.

Time passing seems to be one of the things that I can depend on. I feel like it's just ticking away. Slowly but surely. Surely and definitely. But what if definitely wasn't definite? I know that that may make no sense to you, but if I could I would slow this time down completely. I would take back certain things; try to change them if I could. And I know that when someone questions my character, if I could do it again, I would stand up for myself. Tell you that I'm not the kind of girl who acts just to make a scene. And if you think that I am, then you don't know me half as well as you think you do.
But there's no going back in time. There is only forward. One step at a time. A minute which turns into an hour. Hours into days, and then the rest of our lives. Where is my life taking me? I feel as though I've caused myself into a rut, if you will. You spend a while thinking about one particular thing, hoping for it to happen. The next thing you know, time has passed you by. I'm done with wasting my time.
I want to be that girl again; the one that let things come naturally. The one that could sit back and wait to see what life threw at her. But let's just be honest, when have I ever completely been that girl? I like to plan things, to work them in my favor, and in a way that I believe will benefit those around me. But I shouldn't have to work this hard. Not for something like this.

And this is why I'm happy that time is passing. I have the option to stay here. I can do that, and I am lucky enough to have parents that will support that decision with no questions asked. But I am growing up, I am changing. And as time goes by I wonder if this is really the place for me. Where do I fit? And how do I get there, once I've figured that out?

I hope it's gonna make you notice

All I needed was one shooting star. One fleck of dust to pass through the atmosphere and light up the night sky. Who knew flecks of dust could be so beautiful? Who knew that trying to find them could be so fun: laying in the grass of a random park in Santee, leaving a trail of Blue Moon throughout that city, running from sprinklers with two of the people who mean the most to you? It was one of those moments. I stopped at the edge of that dimly lit park to look back at my friends and smile. It was something right out of a movie. But it was life; it was my life. It was one of those moments that you never expect to happen and when it does, well, you can't really believe it.

It's like that night that you finally got the courage to kiss the boy you'd had a crush on since you can't remember when. It makes your giggle to this day. Seeing the dare in your best friend's eyes as you almost caused an accident making a u-turn. Seeing him stop in the middle of that deserted street as you called his name. And feeling his arms reach for one last kiss as you whispered goodnight on his lips. But what it was mostly like was your car rounding that corner, and simultaneously yelling out with excitement with the world's best friend.

I feel like I've been complaining for a while. Things get bad for everyone, not just myself. But when I look back on certain instances like this, I get it now. I'm a lucky kid. I've had these moments that I've been wishing for, I've just been cavalier enough to forget about them. It's on a daily basis that I forget to see all of the amazing things that I am blessed with. And knowing that I've consistently done that makes me feel like a huge jerk.

There have been shooting stars that have passed through my life. And for that I am thankful. These shooting stars help me realize just how lucky I am. Like my best friend. She constantly stands up for me, constantly loves me, even when she knows I'm wrong. In the middle of a panic attack, I know that she's only a phone call away. Like Ken, who reminds me of my dad. Always trying to help other people, and thinking of their needs before his own. He still answers the phone, is still my friend, even when I know that his friendship is too good for me. Like my family, whose love can be more so described as a fireball as opposed to a shooting star. Always in my face, always asking questions, but because they love. That is the greatest gift that I've ever been given. The love of these people. The shooting stars that strike through my life when it is black as night. There are more shooting stars than this in my life. The people that bring the little joys to my life. Sometimes I can't see them because the moon is shining too bright, but I know you're there.

You see Bobby? Love to me is like a shooting star. They're always there. There are some times when it is easier to see than others, and there are moments that this love is just a tiny thing- a small fleck of dust- that ignites when it combines with something else. There will always be shooting stars, just like there will always be love. What we all need to do is lay back in the grass, and give your eyes a little bit to adjust. People may see shooting stars before you do, but if you're patient and you take a deep breath, they will come to you. And in the end, we'll all know the excitement that comes when our night sky lights up.

"They're shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, fleeting glimpse of eternity..." --Walt Whitman

let's light up the town, scream out loud

There are often moments in my life that I am struck by certain feelings. These instances are mostly random, and they seem to hit me when I'm least expecting it. Does anyone else have these moments? It's not just me... right? These feelings that I'm talking about, they usually hit me when I'm trying to plan out the next stage of my life. I mostly find them on the road between San Diego and home. Between home, and home. It's hard to describe without sounding rather and completely awkward. The feelings that hit me are mostly just a realization that this is life. You can plan all you want, but this is real life, and curve balls are going to come at you.

Even now, that sounds completely awkward. I can't force these feelings to come, and no matter how hard I try I can't recreate them in myself right now. Random, right? They're not feelings that come from thinking that maybe all this is a dream. It's more like I've been walking around, seeing all this in movie form. And then, suddenly, it hits me. This is real life, and it had repercussions. Those that I've lost will not be here to take a final bow with me as the credits roll, and when people are hurt their feelings are real. See? I told you it was awkward. Most of the time, it doesn't even make sense to me.

However, there are certain things that I am sure of. If my life were a movie, it would have the best soundtrack. My life stars the greatest cast that I would ever care to know. I think that my life would be categorized under 'romantic comedy': sometimes that romance is hard to come by, but the comedy is always there. And when they combine, it tends to be a thing of beauty. If my life were a movie, and I could fast forward to the end, I'd hope to see a happy ending. The hopeless romantic in me wants to ride off into the sunset with the boy. But the free thinker in me knows that I want my own horse. And the independent spirit that I am knows that that particular ending won't come for a while.

So while I'm living my life, my very own life, I've decided to make certain decisions about the way in which I live. I will live for me, and make the decisions that I deem best. Yes, opinions are always welcome, but to be honest I don't know if I'll take them.

I have this bracelet that my sister and I bought from Disneyland. On it, mine says "I wish to live happily ever after." It's a simple wish, really. Just to be happy, and have that at the end of my days. But there's the in between part that gets a little tricky. They say you're not supposed to tell what you wish for; that if you throw a penny into a wishing well, it won't come true if you tell people what you wish for. I believe that my wish requires some effort on my part. I believe that any wish needs some effort to be put into it. So here it is: the person that I am, the little girl who always wanted to have her wishes come true the moment she thought of them, wished for patience. Patience to let things develop on their own time. Patience so that she can relax and just let things happen. Patience so that she could understand that things will happen, life will throw curve balls at you, and in the end to understand that this is real life. And in this life, things happen for a reason. So here's to patience, so that I can understand that while life not be perfect, in the end, it will be worth it.

you can't fence that in....

There's something about my family. They are the thing that I was missing in my life, and I see that now. I am not cut out for being away from them for long periods of time. No matter how much I say that I love my space, there is always something that draws me back to them and to the comfort of their love. It's a certain kind of love; very assured of it's place and how we convey it to each other. These are the ones who can say something that I don't want to hear, and I believe them because I know they are saying the things that I don't even want to think.

That love is the reason why I could sit at that wedding tonight, and believe Laura when she told me that I didn't have to put up with bullshit from any boy. "No matter how long you loved him for, that will never give him the excuse to play around with your heart." The words that I didn't want to think, laid out right in front of me. If messing around with me was going to be the way for you to heal your broken heart, I would have let you. But she saw right through you. One of the most honest women in my life, one of my role models, looked me in the eye and gave me the courage that she hoped I could have.

It's love like that, that fills the holes in my life and makes me reach for something more. The way in which she looked at me, and told me the one thing that no one else in my family would say. It's this kind of love and support that I have been looking for. The kind that will smack me across the back of my head and make more sense than anything else in the world. And it's that kind of love that only the closest people in my life can give to me. Others, they don't know how to convey it. But these people, the ones I am bound to by so much more than blood, they know me; they understand. Understand, and help me to stand when I feel like I can't on my own. They are the constant in my life, and though there have been some that have left us, I know that their love is what is constant. Constant, and unwavering. And even though I make decisions sometimes that they might not be too sure of, they are always there to hold my hand and give me courage when I can't find it myself. And it is that kind of love that keeps me assured. It is that kind of love that holds me to this place, and it is their faith that makes me sure of the decisions I am making. And while I might not be making any sense whatsoever, I know that they don't care. They are here to help me make sense of it all. And honestly, I'd want nothing else till I die.

"In life, as in baseball, it is the number of times you reach home safely that counts."

when you're fifteen

I can't remember the way her voice sounded when she said my name. I can't remember her laugh. I can't remember the last time I saw her laugh.

Uncle Joe called me kid. He would hug me from the side, and his voice was loud enough that it could fill the entire room with warmth. He was sturdy, and solid, and hard. But comforting, and protective. He was tall, and no matter how old I was I sill barely reached his shoulder. It's his laugh that I remember the most. He loved to laugh; no matter the time, place, or occasion, he was always making jokes or telling stories.

Uncle Vinnie called me toes. I think that's cause Patti did too. He would 'shark-attack' me in Uncle Jon's pool and tell me that each toe had a different flavor, and as I laughed he would nibble them and list them off. Uncle Vinnie was the first person to teach me to like mushrooms, and as I watched him create lunch in my Uncle's kitchen that I first learned that cooking was also an art.

But she was different. It was so long ago, and I was just a child then. It didn't occur to me that I should make an effort to remember these things. And now, sitting here, I can't remember the way my name sounded when you called me. You did thousands upon thousands of times; from the day I was born, until I was fifteen. And I just never knew. I never thought. I always had hope. Always thought just maybe it would go away. Maybe you'd be lucky enough to beat it. But here it sit almost seven years later, and I can't remember your laugh. I can't remember the way your voice sounded when you said my name. And I swear to God, I wish I could.

gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have

When I was younger, I was capable of living my life with this sort of reckless abandon. Enough respect for authority to know what the rules were, but enough rebellion in me to think that they didn't really apply to myself or my friends. Enough courtesy to never overstep my bounds too much, but enough confidence to be able to walk into a room and simply own it. There's no other way to explain it. We came from a small town and the way we saw it we could get away with a lot.

There's a certain sort of confidence that comes with being with the same people day in and day out. We had the right connections, knew where to go to stay out of trouble, and who to call when we were looking for just enough. Those were the days that I used to smirk. In all honesty I had it made. I used to smirk, and when we were all together, I'll admit: I used to strut... we all did. Those days were filled with sun-kissed shoulders, awkward soccer tans, and laughter that you could hear from halfway down the beach.

No matter how hard we tried days like those couldn't last forever, but those girls will always hold an amazing place in my heart. I think when we began to drift apart they all took a little piece of me with them. Some swagger here, a little strut there; piece by piece my confidence gone. What's left now of me is this person who is trying to hold on to what I have left. I'm not trying to make you think that I have no confidence in myself. On the contrary, I happen to think that at times I can be quite capable. What it takes for me, however, is just a little time, to muster some courage.

So today, when two of my best friends told me that I needed to do something, it took me by surprise. I haven't the confidence that I once carried in myself. Where did it go? Did I leave it back home with my friends for safe keeping? I always seem to find it when we make our way back to each other, but down here in San Diego, I need some time. It has been almost four years since I've put myself out there for something that I have really wanted. Being afraid is part of life. I understand this. But what I want most from my life, is to able to live with that reckless abandon again. Wild at heart. Yet responsible this time around.

"Be reckless enough to gamble all or nothing on following your dreams."

Just give me a little time to build up the courage.

don't you know it's gonna be alright

Everyone keeps saying that it's going to be all right. Everything will work itself out in the end. I need to believe that that. I need to understand that, and have a little faith in the fact the sometimes I don't know what is best. I don't. I need people t guide me, and luckily I have the best friends ad family in the world for that. I made a huge mistake, and I realize that. Sitting here torturing myself about it isn't going to make anything better. Nothing is going to change while I'm sitting here driving myself insane. I can't change everything in the world. I can't always have what I want, no matter how badly I desire it. This is something I need to understand. Until I figure that, I will put the Beatles on shuffle, and let that drown my worries out.

Today was filled with mixed emotions. There were some trials, and a letdown here or there. I came back to my apartment feeling really downtrodden- wanting to crawl in to bed, and not come out until Saturday rolled around. But then, just like that, it all changed. Lindsay had a c-section today. And just like that, I have another baby cousin.

It was upon hearing this news that my mood shifted. No matter how sad I was feeling, or how badly I wanted to throw a pity party fr myself, I couldn't help but smile. This little, beautiful life was brought into the world today. She is something pure, and full of all the hope of the world. She has every opportunity at her tiny fingertips. And it is this fact that made me realize: no matter how I may be feeling, there is always going to be something to make me smile. My family, my friends, the love of someone new coming into this world. I'm still trying to figure out my feelings, trying to figure out where I stand, and how to correct the mistakes I've made in the past. But as for now, fact of the matter is I am where I am. This is where my path has lead me, and it will be just another chapter in the history of my life.

John Lennon once said "don't you know it's gonna be alright." And you know what? It just might be. Until then, I'll just have to remember to breathe and take some baby steps.

something there that wasn't there before

I feel like faith is something that grows over time. It's a part of life that can be forgotten if you choose to; but if you ever feel the need to go back to it, the feelings can take a while to return. I believe in certain things in life. I know that there is more than this world, and I know that if I make it to Heaven there will be many members of my family waiting for me, waiting to welcome me home. I believe that there is something more than this world; I believe that there has to be. I believe that there is someone watching over me, and I believe that despite the past years of doubt, I will be loved and welcome back into this family.

This path is not something that I take lightly, and I think I understand where this push towards faith is coming from. When you lose someone, that hurt does not just go away. The feelings need to be channeled somewhere. The pain, hurt, and excess love that I feel in me, they need to be dispersed somehow. My faith is not something that I take lightly. It isn't even something that I talk about freely, or ever. I have not mentioned feelings like these in a very long while. I nee to now though. I feel like if there were a right time to give my faith another shot, it is now. Because I need to have faith in something bigger than all of this. This can't just be it. I need to believe that the things we do, and the things that happen around us, I need to believe that they are part of a bigger plan. I need to know that one day I will have the answers to my questions. Because I need to know that this all was for something. In the end, I will need to know that my blind faith is worth something, and that it has gotten me somewhere. And while I am willing t admit that I am ready to believe again, I need those around me to use a steady and rather gentle guiding hand as I try and find my own way.

"If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing." 1 Corinthians 13:2

you'll never see me fall apart

For what I can say, Saturday was a great look into the life of the man I didn't know so well. There were so many stories: some that I have heard thousands of times, and others that just made me laugh and shake my head. This is what he wanted: laughter, drinks, friends and family. All of us together, celebrating the life of the man who had such magnetism that you just had to notice him. That's all I've got so far. I'm trying to figure out how to deal with this in my own way.

I can't stand talking about myself like this, like I'm some helpless thing. I mean... yeah, I'm sad. I'm seriously confused, and I don't understand how or why things like this happen. But most of all, I'm angry. Things like this shouldn't happen to people who work so hard, and on top of that try so hard to be good. People like this do not need to be taken from a world like this. And for that, I am angry.

There are seven stages of grief, I understand this. Anger is in there, somewhere around stage three. But More than being angry, I am just confused. I know that this happens to everyone, that the end is a part of life. 'The debt that all men pay.' I guess I just didn't understand how much these people meant to me; I was too young while they were here to understand that I needed to appreciate them. And now it is too late. But that is part of life right?

Ignorance. Foolishness. Loss. Shock, pain, anger. Regret. Hurt. Grieving. Acceptance. Hope.

I strongly believe that there is always hope. No matter how much you have been hurt, or how much you are afraid that something bad is going to happen, hope is always there. It waits for you to grab on to it, and will stay for as long as you hold it. So here's to hope, and the prayer that I won't forget to appreciate from now on.

zip the lip, and take a lap

When I was a kid I was taught that when you run faster, work harder, and think not only broadly but quickly, you will win bigger. The lessons that I learned in my childhood have followed me throughout my life, and on this day I am reminded of the man that taught me.

I did not come by my coach by chance. This was a decision that was made for me by my mother and by the athleticism in my sister that my coach considered to be a family trait. And while it was not my choice that placed me on his team, it was my decisions and trust in this man that kept me there. The years that I played for Joe were always filled with laughter and triumph as he taught my friends and I what success tasted like. Together we learned how eleven different girls could become one cohesive unit, and in turn we taught our coach how a team of rowdy twelve year old's could become a family.

Today, we laid to rest one of the solid figures of my childhood. And though words may not be enough to convey what this man meant to me, and how he shaped the individual that I am today, they stand as a testament to who he was. I stand as a testament to the type of decision maker and ambitious young woman that he hoped for all of his girls to be. Today, I remember you coach; and I thank you for leading me to a life that promises so much more than first place trophies.

you'll be here in my heart

Yesterday, for the second time in my life, I saw my father cry. A long, silent hug. Several forced, deep breaths. And the the struggle of the words that he couldn't bear to say. I knew what was coming. I had been awake for longer than he and my mom thought I had. My bedroom window overlooks the backyard, and I had heard bits and pieces of conversation since the phone call that had woken me up hours before.

"I didn't wake you up, did I?"
"Yeah it's him."
"No, Patti called Mark this morning... Sometime around 4:00."

There are moments like these, defining moments, that can cause you to falter- to question everything in general. There are these people in my life that are more than human to me. They are the people that I want to emulate in my own life, and the ones that I look to to always be constant. But when moments like this come along, it makes it harder to breathe. It makes it harder to trust anything. Most of all, it makes it harder to have faith. To see my dad cry over this, the loss of someone who was undoubtedly one of his favorite people in existence, it changes a person.

So here's to my uncle: a man who would give a 12-year-old a sip of his scotch just because he thought it would be funny; a man who would use family gatherings as a time to teach my dad how to play grand theft auto; a man who, no matter the situation, could put a smile on your face and a certain warmth in your heart; my dad's best friend, and someone that I will regret not knowing better, for the rest of my life.

"Death is not extinguishing the light; it is putting out the lamp because dawn has come." --Tagore

"What do my classmates, and I, need to hear on graduation day?"

Frank Warren, the creator of Post Secret, recently delivered a commencement speech at St. Mary's College of Maryland. In his speech, he sought inspiration from the students and asked them to submit postcards which answered the question: "What do my classmates, and I need to hear on graduation day?" Here are some of the responses...

Be wise enough not to be reckless, but brave enough to take great risks.

No matter how low you consider yourself, there is always someone looking up at you wishing they were that high.

Sometimes it's more than okay to be terrified.

It's okay to be afraid, but don't let that fear hold you back. Instead, have it push you forward, breaking through the barrier you thought was there.

You'll regret the things you didn't do, more than the things you ever did.

Sometimes, the hardest things and the right things are the same.

The darkest hours are the hours in which we discover ourselves.

You will be fine.

If there is ever a tomorrow when we are not together there is something you must always remember: you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think, but most important of all, even if we are apart. I'll always be with you.

I'm blocked; mentally, emotionally, pure and simple blocked. There are so many thoughts running rampant in my head, and I can make no sense of them. There is no way for me to get them out. I feel that anyone I could tell them to probably doesn't want to hear it. Therefore I am blocked. It's causing a great turmoil inside of me, and in all honesty it will be a while before it goes away.

lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones

And I will try, to fix you. Fix you, and keep you safe. This is all I have ever wanted to be able to give my family, my loved ones. I know that it is impossible for me to do this, for me to constantly keep watch over them all. But if I could, I would try. It's the Holden Caulfield in me. "If a body catch a body coming through the rye." I'd stand there at that edge and try to catch them all. Save them from the fall that we're all heading for. But I know I can't. I know that's how we all grow up. There are some falls hat we are all heading for that make us who we are. We cannot change them, and most of the time they come to us. But if I could, I would be there, trying to save you. Catching you before you hit the ground. Or at least being there to cushion your fall.

I know that there are times that I don't make the best decisions. And there are times when I am not the easiest person to get along with. But I think that I am stubborn because I want the best out of life. The best for the people I love. And I don't know how to convey that. I don't know how to convey that a lot of the time. I will try though, I will try for you. I want to live my life for you, for all of you, with an undying fierceness and passion that will have you never question your place in this world. I want you to know that no matter the time, day, or place, you are loved by at least on person on this Earth. And that person loves you so much more than even she thought possible.

In the end, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to make a difference. I came to terms with the fact that my impact would never be on a global level. But to you all, to the ones around me, to the one's that I've loved, lost, forgotten, or even cut out: I love you. Because despite everything, I still belive that all we need is love. And I belive that having a little more of it in our lives can change the world.